ITHACA, NY — Cornell University announced they would’ve had more flexibility in taking disciplinary action against seven alleged rapists if they were accused of something truly egregious, such as showing support for Palestinians, sources confirm.
“The university stands firmly by its ruling that making the boys write essays on the importance of consent was adequate punishment. However, there exists a vocal minority that accuses Cornell of going too easy on them,” said Eugene Peters of Cornell’s Office of Student Conduct and Community Standards. “Regardless of our personal feelings on the matter, our hands are somewhat tied when it comes to disciplining promising students from elite families. However, had they mentioned something like ‘Free Palestine’ in any of their allegedly incriminating texts, the gloves would come off. Cornell has a strict zero-tolerance policy when it comes to antisemitic expressions such as ‘From the river to the sea’ or disingenuous pleas to ‘stop bombing children’. We hope these young men will soon be able to put this unfortunate chapter behind them and go on to become the next generation of great businessmen or politicians—whichever is more lucrative at the moment.”
At press time, Cornell’s campus had been placed on lockdown after a student was spotted wearing a Palestinian flag lapel pin.
