WASHINGTON — In a stunning upset to rumors that he was dying, if not already dead, Senator Mitch McConnell appeared in public today sporting an incredible physique and a voracious appetite for sex, Washington insiders confirm.
“That’s right bitches, the Mitch is back!” proclaimed the 84-year-old legislator to stunned reporters and colleagues. “Bet you thought I was out, bet you thought your boy Mitch was done, kicked the bucket, out of the picture, but nah, I was just on my Machiavell shit. Making moves in the shadows, watching my enemies reveal themselves, getting strong. Now I am here to pass laws that disenfranchise poor people, and to get my fuck on, and brother, I am all out of poor people. Who wants to go to Pound Town with the McMaster?! Ladies? Hell, gentleman? Whatever, when you got a body this prime, you realize we’re all just God’s children in the dark, know what I’m sayin?”
Even McConnell’s closest allies expressed shock at the elderly senator’s recovery and stunning transformation.
“I had just gotten off the phone, lying to a CNN reporter about recently speaking with Mitch, when there was a knock at the door,” recalled Majority Whip John Barrasso. “I open it and who do I see but a shirtless, freshly oiled Adonis with Mitch McConnell’s face. Before I had time to believe my eyes, he burst into my home, punched me in the face, and made love to my wife. It was the most beautiful moment of my life!”
Doctors were at a loss to explain McConnell’s miraculous recovery.
“When an 84-year-old gets admitted with heart failure just weeks after a stroke, you don’t really expect them to make it out,” said physician Dr. Conrad Hearty. “You certainly don’t expect to see them the next day doing pushups in front of a crowd of swooning nurses and yelling at you to come sit on their back, but that’s how it went down. I guess it just goes to show you the power of hate.”
At press time, sources confirmed McConnell was hard at work drafting an emergency bill to have Kumail Nanji deported immediately.
