Aren’t nepo babies the absolute worst? We were all told we could achieve our dreams if we worked hard and believed in ourselves, but it’s hard to trust in that message when you keep getting passed up for jobs just because some higher-up’s idiot son was also in the running. We’ve had enough and decided to confront the most useless failson in human history, Jesus Christ.
Hard Times: Hi Jesus, it’s nice to meet you.
Jesus Christ: Likewise, happy to be here.
HT: So, could you tell us how you came to be the incompetent head of the world’s most destructive religion?
JC: Dude, don’t even start with me right now. You have no idea.
HT: Please, indulge us.
JC: First off, I became the Messiah through my own merits, thank you very much. My Father chose me over other deities like Dionysus and Osiris because I had the drive and gumption to make shit happen, you know? He needed someone with the balls to forgive humans of the sin of Adam and Eve, and it just so happened to be His only begotten Son who was up to the challenge.
HT: OK, and so what happened?
JC: It was my fucking idiot coworker Judas. He’s the one who sold me out to the Romans and got me crucified. I wasn’t even supposed to rise from the dead, but I just got bored in that cave and decided to walk out. Next thing I know, people are invading and enslaving one another in my name. I hadn’t intended on making such a grandiose exit, but it just worked out that way. My dad was fucking pissed when I got back to Heaven, though, because that shit was definitely not in the SOP he had given me.
HT: So you admit you failed at your job, right? Look at the United States, for example. We’re completely fucked right now, and it’s almost entirely because of your followers.
JC: No way, dude. Don’t pin that on me. You know those Christian Nationalists would’ve just used some other religion to subjugate the people if I’d never come around.
HT: Yeah, you’re probably right there, but why don’t you just show yourself to them and make it clear that this wasn’t your intended message?
JC: I’d fucking love to, but tell that to my dad, man. You just can’t reason with the guy.
HT: Well then, can we talk to Him?
JC: I don’t know. He’s pretty tough to get a hold of, and — what’s that, Dad? You need me to appear on a chunk of water-stained plaster in Duluth? And it’s that fake, white version of me that everyone worships? Alright. Sorry guys, I gotta go. It was great talking to you, though.
There you have it. Stay tuned for our upcoming interview with former angel turned startup CEO Lucifer.
