TOLEDO, Ohio — Dale Fistler, local participant at the January 6 riots on Capitol Hill, has been rearrested for disorderly conduct, trespassing and public drunkenness but, according to sources, the so-called “patriot” has yet to be rearrested for soliciting a minor.
“Long before Dale stormed the Capitol, he tried to infiltrate my 6th grade sleepover birthday party,” said Dawn Ellis, Fistler’s now estranged sister. “At the time, I thought he was just being an annoying older brother, but looking back, it’s pretty clear he was attempting to groom my friends Tanya and Caitlyn. I haven’t spoken to Dale since my husband escorted him out of our daughter’s 8th grade graduation party after Dale berated anyone who would listen about how the age-of-consent laws are fueling western civilization’s masculinity crisis. Every time I see another news story about a pardoned J6er getting rearrested for harrassing teen girls or grooming minors, I presume it’s gonna be my dumbass brother.”
Fistler blasted his sister and everyone else in his life who has suggested he seems like just the type of MAGA devotee who would get himself rearrested on charges of possessing child pornography or some other sex crime involving minors.
“I swear, whether it’s my probation officer, my sister or even some of the guys I work with at the gun range, everybody’s drunk on the woke kool-aid,” said Fistler before gloating about smearing feces on the door of the Capitol women’s restroom closest to then Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi’s office. “I wasn’t loitering in the local high school’s parking lot to hit on teenaged chicks; I was there to recruit fellow patriots to start a new chapter of Turning Point USA. And yeah, I let them know if the libtards running the school won’t let them host meetings on school grounds, they could hold them at my place, which would simply be my way of honoring the legacy of Charlie Kirk and not some inappropriate ploy to get teen girls in my apartment. But hey, bonus if teenage girls do show up, right?”
Political science professor Joel Nelson, who studies the criminality of pardoned insurrectionists, suggested that Fistler ticks several red flag warning boxes.
“We’re seeing an alarming trend,” Nelson noted. “Other J6ers who’ve been rearrested for harassing or assaulting minors displayed a sudden obsession with differentiating between pedophiles and ephebophiles and manically sharing clips of Megyn Kelly diminishing the criminality of ephebophiles because they’re just guys like Jeffrey Epstein who are attracted to 15-year-old girls who could be mistaken for being almost barely legal.”
At press time, Fistler was rearrested for threatening school board members for refusing to admit they’d mandated kitty litter boxes in girls’ bathrooms, a charge surprisingly unrelated to stalking or harassing minors.
