INDIO, Cali. – As the sun broke over the mountains of the Coachella Valley this morning, thousands of first-day festival attendees were lucky enough to witness the annual migration of trust fund hipsters returning to their ancestral ground in order to mate, local conservation officers have confirmed.
“Just as sea turtles and salmon return to their birthplace to begin the circle of life anew, so do hipsters return to the Coachella festival grounds in the hopes of finding someone to fuck during the Strokes’ set, so as to keep their generational wealth in the family,” said park ranger Stephanie Porter. “It’s truly a miracle watching several thousand lazy, entitled assholes who all allege they made skinny jeans popular and used to model for American Apparel throw money they didn’t earn around in the hope of impressing potential mates by loudly talking about what their dads do for work.”
Coachella staffers were also ready to ensure another successful mating season.
“We have to carefully plan out which bands will attract the ‘I heard of them first’ crowd to induce breeding. I’ll never forget when LCD Soundsystem headlined in 2016 and saw the sheer number of headlights of the incoming hipsters’ Teslas appear over the horizon,” said production manager Scott Ballard. “And once they’re here, we let their mating rituals play out naturally. That means absolutely not giving them molly or Velvet Underground records. They have to forage it themselves.”
Despite the successful migration, conservationists warned hipsters may soon be an endangered species.
“Branded content and social media clout will draw them back every year, but their numbers have been declining over the past decade. The encroaching Gen Z species of hipsters certainly look and act like they invented thrifting band tees, but many couldn’t name a single Pavement album, let alone convince anyone to come back to their family’s beach house in Malibu,” said Dr. Mary Thurgood. “If they fail to produce enough offspring this festival season, Coachella’s entire ecosystem will collapse, and they’ll be forced to see Geese at some shitty festival in Alabama or something
As of press time, concertgoers stood in awe as a herd of hipsters magestically stampeded toward the Gobi Stage upon hearing a beautiful heiress with a coke hookup personally knew the guys in Joyce Manor.
