DENVER — Minimalists Mark Blake and Tara Owens expressed no interest in adding other partners to their relationship, sources in pineapple-adorned t-shirts report.
“Minimalism emphasizes owning less, but having functional versions of what you do keep around. That’s why all relationships should be useful and practical,” Blake explained from his all-white, predominantly rectangular living room. “Unfortunately, polyamory seems complicated and cluttery, so I’m afraid their lifestyle is out of the question for Tara and I. Just the thought of all those fluids and holes haphazardly scattered in my home makes me cringe. I’ve come to appreciate the simplicity of a straightforward, stripped-down wife.”
Critics of minimalism, however, have deemed the couple’s self-imposed monogamy restrictive.
“The Dieter Rams mentality is keeping people from finding the best D to ram,” self-described maximalist Andrew Clarendon claimed from a jewel-toned, debatably uncomfortable angular loveseat. “The only true path to quality is curating a diverse array of objects to sift through every time you open a cabinet. I have 12 partners right now — one for each dirty mug on my desk — and they each help me fixate on different, potentially diagnosable sexual deviancies. Look at the choices that a maximalist philosophy affords me: I get to both suck and fuck. It’s kind of poetic, in that it rhymes.”
Experts speculate that the sexual trends following home decor all boil down to economics.
“It’s all reactionary: At this point, needs are luxurious and luxuries are cheap,” asserted interior design consultant Alexa Cunningham. “If you’re a millennial who can actually afford a house, you’ve probably pooled your money with a spouse and have still blown all your decoration money on property. You get sucked into minimalist, gray, generic, bleak decor because it’s cheap and easy to unify — basically the same reason Tara is with minimalist, gray, generic, bleak Mark. Conversely, the amount you save short-term by renting saves money for maximalist hedonism — hence why Andrew can have the short-term thrills of a trinket-soaked apartment and, as we call it in the design space, ‘railing floosies.’ My condo-owner clients seem to be the only middle ground between broke and sexually adventurous, which is why they’re the only ones getting freaky Herman Miller sex swings.”
At press time, the minimalist couple were last seen critiquing the busy composition of the Brazzers gangbang scene they were watching on Blake’s laptop.
