You know, I’m not as young as I used to be and even a lot older than I thought I would ever be. When I was younger, I partied extremely hard because why not? There was no future to live for anyway, right? Well, unfortunately, I ended up blowing past my 20s and 30s, and now I need take better care of myself, which means taking it easy with the booze. That’s why I’m so glad I found this non-alcoholic IPA that tastes just as awful as the piney barf water I usually guzzle down.
I’ve tried all kinds of “NAs” before, and they were all pretty disappointing. And I don’t just mean the fact that they don’t have alcohol in them, I mean they just lack anything special and don’t have any “personality” as it were. But this one has just the right blend of hoppy aroma, a nice amber color, and the perfect amount of that rancid yeast-infused dumpster water quality I love in a good IPA.
The best part is that it costs $18.99 for a four-pack, so I get to have the same sense of self-satisfaction in overpaying for pure disappointment. I see all these other guys in line at my local liquor store with their cheap O’Doul’s and Guinness 0, and I just feel bad for them. I mean, yes, we’re all going home with something that is far inferior to the real thing, and that, in a small way, is a reminder that our youth is gone and we have nothing to look forward to but decay and doctor visits, but I at least have the good sense to buy this quality-crafted diaper juice.
Sure, technically, I could just drink the Gatorade bottles full of piss sitting in the sun left by truckers on the side of the highway for free and get the same effect, but this NA comes in a bottle with an old-timey picture of an octopus on it, which is really cool. Whenever I’m out at a bar, I order this in a bottle just so everyone can see that not only am I responsible for not drinking alcohol, but I like cool things like drawings of daggers and demons and other cool shit on the bottles of fermented, marshy, waste runoff I am currently enjoying.
