I just got back from seeing Josh Safdie’s latest hit movie, Marty Supreme, and I have to say, I didn’t like it at all. The negative reviews are correct: it’s just far too unrealistic. For example, five minutes into the movie, Timothée’s character nuts in his girlfriend and everyone is ‘ooh’-ing and ‘ahh’-ing at how the scene transitions into the film’s beautiful opening credits. When you nut inside someone in real life, there are no oohs or ahhs, or even any credits at all. In fact, your partner might tell you that you’ve just “ruined both of our lives permanently.”
There comes a certain point where a movie is asking its audience to suspend their disbelief just a little too much. People are going on and on about the fact that Timothée’s nutting foreshadows the movie’s recurring themes of responsibility, purpose, and even the meaning of our short lives here on Earth. But that’s not very true to life at all. In fact, when I do it, the only thing I can foresee is my girlfriend running to the bathroom crying and all the bills I’ll have to pay after the next nine months. What gives?
What was Josh Safdie going for with this one, exactly? Certainly not a genuine exploration of the human condition, I’ll tell you that. Exhibit A: In Marty Supreme, Timothée’s sperm fertilizes his girlfriend’s egg, which then slowly transforms into a ping pong ball. It was nowhere near as cinematic when I did it, and there were no ping pong balls involved. I just don’t understand why he gets all this praise for impregnating his girlfriend, but I’m getting shamed all day and night. Is it just because he’s a handsome, famous actor? That means he can get away with it and leave the rest of us shmucks to deal with the consequences he never has to face?
“Oh, it’s so poetic that the baby is conceived at the beginning of the movie, and he finally meets his son for the first time at the very end!” I can tell you right now, this is where the conversations around this movie completely lose me. There is absolutely nothing poetic about not wearing protection, even if you play “Forever Young” by Alphaville while it’s happening. Let my story be a warning to you kids: don’t try to emulate Marty Mauser. And by that I mean, “don’t nut in your girlfriend.” Believe me, it’s nothing like the movies. You’ll ruin your and your partners’ lives (apparently.)
That being said, I’m a really huge fan of Kevin O’Leary, and I’d give his performance five out of five stars.
