WASHINGTON – After being relieved of his authoritarian duties in Minneapolis, former Border Patrol commander Greg Bovino has been considering a potential shift to freelance fascism, sources close to the situation report.
“Being a pawn for a fascist regime is all I know,” lamented Bovino to reporters early this morning, wearing his urban camouflage fatigues. “I don’t think I could hold another job because of all the blood, sweat, and tears I gave to the immigration customs enforcement, I still love what this administration is doing, and even If they no longer need my services here, I will still be on call willing to inject authoritative chaos into peaceful gatherings in the liberal cities all across this country. Look out, gig economy, here comes Führer Bovino!”
For the past seven months, Bovino has been the poster child for tyranny in the streets of Democrat governed cities. Now demoted, it will be difficult to find full-time employment that allows him to command an army of goons to murder innocent Americans in the street.
“The job market’s tough right now, but I’ve got a pretty kick-ass resume. Seems a guy like me will always be needed in an administration like this,” said Bovino to TMZ during his layover at Chicago O’Hare. “If you hear of anywhere that’s hiring, let them know that I’m a strong communicator, great with kids, and definitely 5 ‘6.”
Protestors briefly celebrated a rare win for their side as Bovino vacated the city, but that only lasted until his replacement was announced.
“Human ogre Tom Homan is replacing the leprechaun, not really sure how much better that is, but it’s something!” said Minneapolis native Kate Gerber. “Nothing’s truly a win until people stop getting disappeared off the street, and I can go back to not freezing my ass off every weekend protesting this bullshit.”
At press time, Bovino has changed his LinkedIn profile picture to relay he is #OpenForWork and launched a Substack chronicling his “adventures” across the country.
