VENICE, Calif. — Mike Muir, singer for thrash-punk band Suicidal Tendencies, appeared onstage wearing a bandana large enough to cover his entire body, according to stunned concertgoers.
“If I’m known for anything, it’s my enormous bandanas,” said Muir while sipping a Pepsi through a slit in his full-body garment. “See, where I come from, the size of a man’s bandana is a status symbol. For a long time I would only increase it a little bit at a time. But as soon as it got so big that I had to cut eye holes, I said, ‘Fuck it’ and went all in. Sometimes at lowrider meetups we’ll break out the tape measure and have bandana contests. But now there’s no dispute who’s got the biggest bandana in all of L.A.—and possibly the world.”
Mateo García, Muir’s longtime tailor, says that he’s proud to have helped the singer achieve his dream.
“Mike came to me in the early ‘90s and asked me if I could make him some bespoke, extra-large bandanas since commercially available bandanas just weren’t big enough. Year after year, he would come back asking for me to let them out more and more,” explained García. “Finally, we arrived at what is the logical conclusion of his quest for the largest possible bandana: the full-body bandana. I took some inspiration from the middle eastern thobe as well as the classic ghost costume consisting of a sheet with eyeholes.”
The E Street Band’s Steven Van Zandt, who had been in a decades-long bandana-size competition with Muir, admits defeat.
“That crazy bastard did it,” mused Van Zandt. “Muir is a generational talent in the field of bandana. We got together recently and discussed the history of bandanas and what they mean for our people. He told me that in Latino culture, the bandana has roots in the resistance movements of revolutionary figures like Zapata. And I explained that bandanas worn by caucasians such as myself and Bret Michaels are more cosmetic and are used to hide our receding hairlines and/or bad hair plugs. This is off the record, right?”
At press time, Muir revealed a striking look which included a wedding dress-inspired eight-foot bandana train and a handler to keep it from dragging on the ground.
