BANGOR, Maine — Members of death metal band Rhino Sphincter expressed relief that the fog machine they rolled out during a recent performance successfully hid their bassist from the crowd, according to nearby sources gasping for air.
“Half the time Dale looks like he’s in a coma with a really bored look on his face, and the other half when he actually tries to ratchet up some intensity, it looks like he’s having a seizure,” said lead singer Calvin Skeebs. “Plus his hygiene is horrible, as he often goes weeks without showering or even changing his crusty clothes. Our manager told us if we wanted to be taken seriously we needed to drop him after this tour, so in the meantime we’ll just hide the awkard fucker with as much thick fog as we can.”
Fan Dawn Poulin who was in attendance expressed her confusion over the set.
“Right after the first song, a blanket of fog suddenly swept in which totally obscured the bassist,” Poulin stated. “The rest of the band were still visible, but the bassist was nowhere to be seen. At some point during the set, we heard a big thud, then after the show we saw paramedics attending to the bassist who looked to be hurt pretty bad on the ground, with a smoke machine laying in pieces on top of him. I’m not gonna lie, it was the best part of the night.”
Music editor Ian Foulds explained this phenomenon.
“Bands are trying to come up with clever ways of concealing members they’re embarrassed by,” said Foulds. “Fog machines, lasers, and strobes are a great way to create a dramatic atmosphere for your audience while at the same time trying to distract from bandmates who should not be public-facing. It’s actually a very common occurrence, and reportedly began back in the 70s when a concert promoter for Rush was so horrified by their collective appearance that he decided to kill the lights and have them perform in total darkness.”
At press time, Rhino Sphincter told their bassist that he’d have to pay out of pocket for damaging the fog machine.
