PALM BEACH, Fla. — Conservative political commentator Ben Shapiro rushed to dry out his wife after she told him of her condition, according to sources at the Costco where the right-wing broadcaster purchased 200 pounds of rice.
“My wife had just come home from her book club when she told me out of the blue that she was ‘wet,’” said Shapiro, still clearly shaken by the incident. “I told her she looked perfectly dry and she indicated it was different from being wet from a shower or rain. I was confused, but I remembered putting my iPhone in rice after it got water on it and figured it was worth a shot. My wife protested, but I insisted it was for her own good. I stuck her in the rice and left her overnight. In the morning she told me that she was 100% dry and would likely never be ‘wet’ again. Crisis averted.”
Shapiro’s wife said the situation was the result of a miscommunication.
“We were reading a new romance novel in my book club, and the subject matter was a little more carnal than I’m used to,” said Mor Shapiro with the appropriate amount of shame. “The story was about an IDF soldier who was wounded in battle and nursed back to health by a widowed Golan Heights settler. I was shocked to find that the scenario caused something strange to stir within me…one might call it arousal? I rushed home, hoping that Ben and I could take advantage of the situation, but he misunderstood and I ended up in rice all night.”
Mix-ups like this are bound to increase as the right limits access to sex education, according to high school teacher Ellie Swindon.
“We’re seeing a rise of conservative restrictions on education regarding sex and reproductive health,” said Swindon while preparing a condom and banana for her next class. “People like Ben Shapiro who were raised in repressive religious environments are naturally going to be bewildered by sex and the female body in particular, so I don’t blame him for being confused. I try not to get too depressed about it, but it’s hard. One of my students thought ‘labia majora’ was a planet from the ‘Avatar’ movies.”
At press time, Shapiro was working on a list of approved books for his wife’s book club, mostly drawing from the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and “Animorphs” series.
