DENTON, Texas — A local father is left wondering, “Where did I go wrong,” after resigning himself to the grim reality that his 28-year-old son will not be adopting his family’s long-held close-minded attitude, sources related to the heartbroken dad confirmed.
“This mindset has been passed down from generation to generation,” said Jim Hodges, the bewildered father. “And to think the family namesake stops with my own son. I thought I raised him better than that. Where is the malleable, unquestioning ball of flesh I held in the delivery room the day he was born? Now, he barely laughs at my jokes about sexual assault. I bet that narrow-minded little shit didn’t even watch the YouTube video I sent him about Elon Musk’s plan to colonize Mars.”
With radical talking points such as “sex trafficking is bad” and “women are people,” Hodges’ maladapted son has created an exceptionally hostile environment at family get-togethers.
“Up until now, I assumed my dad’s disappointment in me stemmed from my inability to play sports or change a tire,” said Ian Hodges. “ I never imagined that his quiet, building resentment towards me had anything to do with my refusal to deify Donald Trump or subscribe to the notion that smoking a cigar is peak masculinity. Who knew my condemnation of genocide would be such a hot take? He would die if he knew that my email is set to automatically spam messages from him containing the words ‘manosphere,’ ‘America First,’ or ‘fake news.’”
According to research, people under 60 are increasingly unable to open their minds to some of the most archaic, unenlightened ideals that have made America what it is today.
“The numbers don’t lie,” said Hannah Logan, a disbarred sociologist and cultural critic. “We have found that people with the highest empathy levels and most intact brain activity are most likely to develop this kind of shortsightedness. In my day, you inherited your parents’ eye color, hair color, and political affiliations. These days, kids are using valuable energy to form their own opinions about world issues, when that energy would be better spent convincing themselves Bill Maher is a good guy.”
At press time, Mr. Hodges was seen uninviting his son to Thanksgiving after learning he had recently donated $15 to Planned Parenthood.
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