BRANSON, Mo. — A couple who recently welcomed the birth of a beautiful baby boy were inconsolable after it became painfully obvious that its blessed existence failed to save their marriage, according to unsurprised sources.
“What a real kick in the dick!” stated 29-year-old Tyler Garrison as he hid in the garage until his wife went to bed. “We figured that the only way our shaky marriage could survive was by bringing a baby into this world, thus distracting us from our problems with a little bundle of joy. But turns out our baby didn’t do that and somehow just magnified the deep-seated issues between us, like the fact that we can’t stand each other. Don’t get us wrong, we do love the little tyke, but this baby had one job and it totally failed.”
A neighbor of the Garrison’s, Katie Broombach, wasn’t surprised that the couple’s new addition didn’t strengthen their bond.
“There’s only so much magic a baby can bring,” described Broombach. “As soon as they moved in I could tell they weren’t a good match. Every interaction with them was full of passive-aggressive digs at the other’s expense and just an overall feeling of mutual dislike. At first they tried to rope in pets into their loveless union, but after their third dog ran away, they figured they’d get something that couldn’t take off on them like a baby. They definitely shouldn’t be together, let alone procreating.”
Relationship expert Dr. Gilleon Rodriquez explained how societal pressure puts unrealistic expectations on people.
“Go to college, get married, have kids. Sounds great, right? Sure, maybe if you’ve got a stable job, housing, and don’t absolutely hate each other,” said Rodriquez. “But many times, those expectations are just not grounded in reality. Most of my clients are couples asking me why their baby is so much work and why it doesn’t bring joy to their lives like the posts on Instagram from their friends made them believe. I tell them all the same thing, to just keep working at it, and it will get better. What am I gonna do, lie to them? These out-of-touch couples are happy to keep paying for therapy, and are basically funding my retirement.”
At press time, the Garrison family announced they were expecting twins hoping that would fix everything this time.
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