So I knew this total jagoff Kevin Kergis, who everyone was absolutely certain peaked in high school. Unfortunately, he’s been having a real renaissance in his 40s, and it’s really pissing everyone off. Honestly, the sick bastard has recently shown a lot of growth as an individual and it makes me want to retch.
It was pretty satisfying to see Kevin struggle with alcoholism after high school because of what a massive douchebag he was. He would show up to parties uninvited, drink all the booze, and bully people. He’d try to twist our nipples and say we were gay and that we actually liked it. We all looked forward to him dying a horrible death from cirrhosis, but instead, he started a non-profit to help recovering addicts and was featured on the local news. I’m feeling really blue balled by this outcome.
Kevin used to be like the big, angry football dude who thought being able to run the ball well made him a literal god or some shit. He’s now apparently all calm and capable of working through his anger issues. I heard his therapist helped him reconnect with his estranged wife. He’s also a good, supportive father. I saw him at the park the other day, actually hanging out with his children and playing ball and shit. I could’ve blown chunks into the duck pond with how freaking wholesome it was.
Apparently, his therapist told him he should reach out to some of the people he bullied in high school and apologize for the way he used to treat them. I mean, he seemed really sincere in his apology with an honest recounting of every bad thing he did. And he made no excuses about his previous behavior, coupled with an offer to make amends. I actually cried and hugged him; he was that moving, and now he has to die.
Anyway, me and the rest of the gang from high school heard that Kevin was going to be reading to children at the library, so we’re all going to go get liquored up and boo him. Maybe give him a wedgie.