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Rock Bottom or Peak Performance? This Dad Just Ate All the Uncrustables at Kid’s Birthday Party

Local Dad Matt Fredricksen was recently busted for eating all the Uncrustables at his daughter Kayla’s 5th birthday. Naturally, Matt’s antics have left the people divided — did he finally hit rock bottom? Or is this peak performance? Let’s investigate.

One thing’s for sure, Matt worked up a crazy appetite whilst on “balloon duty” (literally his only job during party prep). And let’s be honest, blowing up an overly-expensive “happy birthday” balloon banner from Target would make any 45-year-old man ravenous. Especially if you’re Matt. Which means you try to rawdog the balloons (no instructions, no pump), only to accidentally pop the “R” and the “Y.” So naturally, you crash out and destroy the whole goddamn banner while your father-in-law insults your disorganized garage (which equates to, you guessed it, not being a man). So yeah. Matt might’ve deserved to drown his complex feelings of masculinity with a snack designed for children. Maybe it’s peak performance after all.

Also, Matt would like to argue that he was doing a public service by eating all of the Uncrustables. How could this be? Well, because according to Matt, there was already a metric fuck-ton of sugar on the menu. Oh! You wanted to throw a birthday party for a bunch of first graders where the food consists entirely of watermelon, Capri-Suns, birthday cake, and ICE CREAM? What a fucking shit show! So, Matt basically saved all of the parents from the sugar crash of the century by eliminating the UnCrustables. A far-fetched and ineffective justification? Perhaps. But I kinda like where Matt’s head was at. Another point for “peak performance.”

And yet, there’s a solid case to be made on the Rock Bottom front. When Matt’s peanut butter-encrusted mustache (which he claims isn’t inspired by Benson Boone but totally is) was caught red-handed, Matt made the crucial error of blaming it on one of the kids at the party. More specifically, he blamed it on a homeschooler named Bran whose mom never lets him eat sugar. And Bran would’ve been the perfect kid to pin it on, because that kid loves to hammer sugar when his mom isn’t looking. But alas, Bran wasn’t even at the party. And blaming your Uncrustables gorge-fest on a kid who wasn’t even at the party is objectively bad optics.

So yeah. The jury’s still out on whether this is rock bottom or peak performance for Matt. But one thing’s for certain — Matt’s gonna have some crazy bowel movements and nightmares tonight.