NEW YORK — Beloved children’s author R.L. Stine was wondering if he should alienate a large swath of people who grew up reading his books by becoming an insufferable transphobe like J.K. Rowling, sources report.
“I’m just not sure if that’s the route I’m supposed to take,” Stine admitted. “I know millions of millennials have incredibly fond memories of my books, and many of them attribute a love of reading to them that continues to this day. I’m just debating whether I should completely destroy that treasured relationship with my fans by needlessly coming out as a transphobic asshole. My fans are still able to look back on their beloved favorites like ‘Cuckoo Clock of Doom’ and ‘Stay Out of the Basement’ without having their nostalgia polluted by a wave of revulsion, and I guess the time has come for me to decide whether I want to change that.”
Rowling expressed hope that Stine would join her in being an obnoxious piece of shit.
“It would be nice to know that I’m not the only popular author from the ‘90s who completely ruined their relationship with their fans,” Rowling mused. “I’ve vocally opposed legislation allowing trans people to legally identify with their preferred gender without a medical diagnosis, and I’ve even tweeted lists of the names of trans women and called them men just to get a rise out of the Scottish Parliament. I’ve really gone all-in on these views, so much so that I sometimes forget why I have such a huge platform at all before remembering that I once wrote some books about a wizard, or something. It’d be nice to have a partner in this, so I hope R.L. makes the right decision.”
Lifelong Goosebumps fan Julie Beltran hoped her favorite author wouldn’t go down the same path as Rowling.
“Oh God, please don’t let him do this,” Beltran pleaded. “The world is completely fucked, and nostalgia is basically the only thing that keeps us millennials going. I have an entire bookshelf in my house dedicated to the Goosebumps books and merchandise I accumulated throughout my childhood, and if I have to take it down so it doesn’t look like I’m endorsing a bigot I’m going to be so upset. Just let me have one happy relic from my childhood that hasn’t been ruined.”
At press time, K.A. Applegate was seen weighing the same decision.