WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump marked Juneteenth, the federal holiday created in 2021 commemorating the end of slavery in the United States, with a call for reparations to descendants of families who “lost their workers.”
“Juneteenth, what even is that anyway? It’s not a real number, I know all the numbers. I can count higher than most of the math science guys. People at NASA come to me when they need someone to count really high. Sleepy Joe Biden doesn’t know how to count, and he just made up this day out of nowhere. Now all the big beautiful banks around the country are closed because he hates the economy so much,” said Trump. “Unfortunately, this holiday, and I use that term lightly, marks a time when everyday southern families who worked hard to build our 50 USA states, and we still might add Canada, lost all their workers. These people created jobs, they made America great, and a new addition to my Big Beautiful Bill will pay them reparations for all the workers they lost.”
Jasper Klay, a descendant of the owners of the largest “farm” in Texas from 1820 to exactly June 19, 1865, expressed appreciation for the president’s new stance on reparations.
“My family provided food and shelter for our workers at no extra charge. We took on that burden only for someone from the government to come along and kick all the workers out from under us. That trickled down through the generations, keeping us in poverty. We should be paid back, and it should be the aggressive northern Blue states that foot the bill,” Klay said from his home in an affluent suburb of Houston. “By the way, many of my family’s descendants are mixed white and Black—we’re not sure exactly how that happened—so to oppose Trump’s idea is actually racist. Besides, all my Black friends wonder why Juneteenth is even a holiday, since it was the Yankees who were pro-slavery anyway.”
Professor Amara Green, chair of the history department at the University of Texas at Austin, did not share Klay’s enthusiasm.
“What the hell is the president even talking about?” Green said. “The human beings working under chattel slavery had no say in what happened to their lives, their bodies, or their families. The slave operators—I refuse to call them owners, since no one can own another person—profited off of that misery. Making Juneteenth a federal holiday isn’t even the bare minimum to get started undoing the legacy of slavery. Reparations for white descendants of slave operators is basically endorsing the Confederacy, which by definition never wanted to Make America Great anyway.”
As of press time, Trump is personally offering a reparation of 10 percent discounts on purchases of $TRUMP cryptocurrency to “those proud, patriotic descendants who were treated so horribly.”