ITHACA, N.Y. — Elite private institution Bournestown University released a new campus brochure today touting the diversity of the college’s nearby prison, sources confirmed.
“Here at Bournestown University, we’re proud to foster a diverse local community comprising many different ethnicities, socioeconomic backgrounds, and religions that our elite student body can safely observe at a healthy distance from Rockmore Federal Penitentiary,” said University Dean Herbert Kensington, showing off the campus brochure. “In fact, graduates from our school of criminal justice have gone on to send many of these prisoners to Rockmore, including a twenty-year bid our custodian Jorge’s nephew is serving—and it’s that familial, small town vibe that truly makes our beautiful campus such a special place to earn an education.”
Bournestown alumni Philip Newberry hoped the new brochure might help entice his son to attend his alma mater.
“Look at all these colorful ethnic characters on the brochure, Bradley! You know some of my fondest memories during college were meeting interesting exchange students from all over the world, and then hazing them mercilessly,” said Newberry, examining the brochure. “Maybe you shouldn’t haze the guys on the pamphlet though, all these students look jacked—they must have used all my donation money to build a new weight room. Oh and look, they added a culinary program! Wait, is that pizza made out of ramen and Slim Jims?”
Rockmore inmate Jack “Slim” Carson recalled the bizarre academic photoshoots that happen each year.
“Hey man, anything that gets me out of my cell for a couple hours is fine by me, but it is weird that they make us wear these college sweaters before taking pictures of us pretending to study and playing badminton and shit,” said Slim, sitting in a chair while a makeup artist covers his face tattoos. “They could at least let us keep the books, but they’re trying to charge $300 for a used ‘Intro to Economics’ textbook. Ah fuck, here comes some more students from the Anthropology program trying to observe us in our ‘natural habitat’ for their dissertation.”
Dean Kensington later announced a new student-prisoner exchange program for anyone staging pro-Palestine protests on Bournestown campus grounds.