In life, you need to claim victories when you can, no matter how minor. That’s why I will be spending the entire day celebrating the fact that my ex-girlfriend’s new last name is embarrassing as hell after she recently got married.
There I was, doing my weekly stalking of her Instagram page when I saw it. She updated her user handle to the most ridiculous last name I’ve ever heard. Sure, she married an independently wealthy man who runs his own charity and they just closed on their 2.5 million dollar house, but at the end of the day, you can’t run away from a surname like Assjhole. Evidently, the “H” is silent.
After all, she could’ve been Mrs. Seymour Wiener. But no. She just had to break up with me and lose that name change opportunity because, according to her, she needed someone with more emotional intelligence. What a tool.
Oh, and get this. She is already pregnant with their first child. Cannot believe she’s bringing an Assjhole into this world. That could’ve been my Assjhole kid!
Unfortunately, she seems pretty happy in her new life despite the shit name. I didn’t think that was possible. I mean, do you think Elon’s kid X Æ A-12 Musk is going to grow up to be happy with a name like that? Surely, he’ll be embarrassed to share a last name Musk. The first name is pretty cool though.
But whatever, now she has to update her driver’s license, credit cards, and Costco membership with her new last name. Then everyone will see what a foolish surname she’s wielding. Who knows? Maybe someone will bully her online so much that she changes her mind. And maybe that bully will be anonymous, who maybe even once stole 20 bucks out of her purse from her. You never know.
So, Monica Assjhole, if you’re reading this, please take me back. There’s still time to upgrade your last name to a more socially acceptable one.