GILLETTE, Wyo. — Local hipster LDS adherent Rafter Barlow, who prefers the term “Josephite” over “Mormon,” is a faithful servant of god, a loyal church attendee, and reportedly “too cool for seminary” due to his preference for the “Earlier Day Saints,” confirmed sources.
“I just gravitate towards vintage saints,” said Barlow. “Yes, I’m aware, María de la Purísima Salvat Romero, or whatever her name is, is the current flavor of the week. But I’ll take Abercius of Hieropolis, any day. I mean dude succeeded Bishop Papias. Do today’s saints even know what piety is? And while we’re on it, can they please stop making sequels to the Book of Mormon? Call me a sacred text snob if you must, but I honestly haven’t even bothered reading that ‘Pearl of Great Price’ cash-in they released awhile back. I wouldn’t be surprised if ‘Hobbs and Shaw’ show up in it.”
Those among Barlow’s ward don’t always agree.
“I’m sorry, gramps, but get with the times,” says Gen Z Mormon, Julia Stevens, “This isn’t the Succession Crisis of 1844. Just because something is old, doesn’t mean it’s cool. I mean, look at Catholicism, or Gene Shalit. And it’s not just saints he’s snobby about. He also has to roll his eyes any time someone mentions Salt Lake City as it’s, as he puts it, full of nothing but post-Restoration posers and Bingham Young dick-riders these days. And his whole idea about using AI and CGI to restore old Mormon doctrine to their original versions? Would that include the 1978 Revelation on Priesthood, which finally allowed Black and African Mormons to be priests?”
Bishop James Hamon, who has mentored both Barlow and Stevens in the past, wishes younger Mormons would understand that they should spend less time trying to impress one another and more time trying to impress God.
“Quite frankly I think this kind of pearly-gatekeeping is as useless as caffeinated soda. I mean, God was doing literally everything before it was cool,” said Hamon. “I’ve been around much longer than Julia, and Rafter, and I can tell you, no one is really that dazzled. You’re talking to a guy who owns an original copy of the golden plates, signed by Joseph Smith, and authenticated by God. But sorry, no I can’t show you.”
At press time, there were rumors that Barlow was slowly inching his way back towards pre-20th Century Mormonism in an attempt to justify his multiple infidelities.