HELL — The underworld is in chaos after a coup d’état orchestrated by the late American diplomat Henry Kissinger sent Satan into hiding and installed Walt Disney as the new Prince of Darkness, sources confirm.
“I don’t see why we need to stand by and watch such a vital piece of the afterlife continue down the same path. Who runs the underworld is too important to be left to God to decide,” said Kissinger in between pointing and laughing at images of dead children meant to drive him insane. “The coming eternity will bring much-needed stability and opportunities for prosperity. Construction is already underway on additional circles of hell to accommodate the forecasted increase in anguish and suffering. Following a brief bidding process, I’m hoping to have Lockheed-Martin as our security contractor.”
A spokesdemon for the rebel forces insisted that the fight would continue for as long as necessary.
“This isn’t over. The forces of evil are with us and we will be relentless and unmerciful until we are restored to our unrighteous position at the top,” the source, who preferred to remain anonymous, growled. “This Kissinger is more cruel and ambitious than we could have ever imagined. Unfortunately, when someone has no soul they cannot actually be tortured. We tried everything in our arsenal and if anything it just made him more evil. This will truly be the fight that determines the most evil ruler of Hell in our eternal lifetime.”
The regime change has shaken the theological podcasting world, with many top commentators agreeing that although yes, this is disruptive, it also marks an “opportunity.”
“If Satan’s regime couldn’t withstand those kinds of internal pressures then maybe it wasn’t as solid as we thought anyway. The guy had a good run, a legendary run, but time is undefeated and it turns out Kissinger is more evil than anyone realized,” Joe Rogan said in his most recent episode talking with Hell’s demon leader Marchosias. “Like, sure, I’m not rooting for the coup, but, you know, sometimes you gotta shake things up. Kissinger is just pulling from the same playbook he used in Chile in 1973, Satan should have read a history book. And if i’m being totally honest, America could take a cue from this. Plus you’ve got to admit it’s pretty fucking badass. ”
At press time, Kissinger was seen putting on a long overcoat and commenting about how Hell is a bit colder than he expected.
Photo by Kasa Fue.