INDIANAPOLIS — Cyndi Lauper’s 1983 hit song “Time After Time” being played in a Trader Joe’s supermarket caused a man to have an actual emotional reaction for the first time in over ten years, sources who say if you’re lost you can look and you will find them confirmed.
“So there I was browsing the frozen aisle looking for a microwavable pizza for one like always when suddenly I hear Cyndi Lauper’s tragic yet somehow hopeful masterpiece ‘Time After Time’ being played and I actually felt… a feeling,” said Chris Faban. “Something about the bittersweet melody and the heartbreaking lyrics broke through a decade’s long fog of blank numbness I’ve had and made me experience what I remember as an ‘emotion.’ For a few minutes there I almost felt like a kid again with hopes and dreams and not just an adult empty husk devoid of a soul. Unfortunately, it all went away the second the song ended.”
Other shoppers in the store say they noticed Faban and were confused by his quiet moment of self-reflection in the aisle.
“I saw this guy standing there with the freezer door open and he just seemed to be lost in thought. I wasn’t sure if this was like some kind of low-effort TikTok prank or what but then I realized the tears forming in his eyes were because of the song playing over the P.A.,” said fellow Trader Joe’s customer Jennifer Stillar. “I thought it all seemed a bit too dramatic but then the song ended and ‘Come Sail Away’ started playing and suddenly I felt a heaviness in my chest as I also fantasized about being taken away from… all of this by a group of angels. Or was it aliens? The lyrics get kinda weird toward the end.”
Trader Joe’s marketing manager Liz Collins says the nostalgic soundtrack played in their stores and the reaction it has on its shoppers is no accident.
“Research shows that when aging Millennials and Gen-Xers hear emotionally charged songs from their childhood they are more likely to buy comfort foods and overpriced sugary snacks,” said Collins. “Since we implemented this sad yet also triumphant playlist in our locations, sales of frozen chocolate bonbons have increased 72% and we can’t even keep the pumpkin streusel muffins stocked on the shelf anymore due to demand because of these sad aging saps.”
At press time, employees of the local Trader Joe’s location reported every shopper in the store stopped dead in their tracks once “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Crowded House started playing.