FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Local Fangles Family Kitchen server and math rock fan Dave Morgan eagerly accommodated a request to split a check as a demonstration of his love of complex nonstandard calculations, relieved sources confirmed.
“Most waiters scoff when a 10-top orders drinks, apps from the discounted happy hour menu, fries for the table, then split four 3-For-Me dinners, and want to put it on seven separate cards, each paying for part of the birthday girl’s meal. It spawns a massive argument. But I love a mathematical challenge,” said Morgan, guitarist and programmer for mathcore band Tinkerer, as he wiped mustard off a King Crimson pin on his work vest. “Where else can you do complicated computations for an average of 17.3% gratuity? I’m going to be able to afford a new sequencer in no time.”
Local patron Heather Dickinson was excited to hear about Morgan’s eagerness to accommodate an otherwise restaurant bill disaster.
“Elizabeth insisted on Fangles for birthday happy hour, and the waiters usually are so pissy about the littlest request. But greasy glasses guy can handle checking the balance on multiple gift cards while splitting credit, debit, half cash half card, and a Groupon,” said Dickinson, Norwood Middle School Expository Writing Teacher and birthday outing organizer. “He just never gets the dressing right on my Southwest Caesar because he’s too busy tapping his notepad with irregular starts and stops. Small price to pay.”
Consumer advocacy groups applauded employees who are really into math rock for their work ethic.
“Restaurants don’t care about service and hospitality anymore. Customers are sick of going to a burger joint where servers can’t count change, and getting eye rolls when you want an Arnold Palmer that’s 80% iced tea, 20% lemonade,” said consumer expert Brennan Ling. “Math rock nerds can do it all with ease. We strongly encourage the hiring of these types of musicians for the benefit of diners and coworkers. They are rarely hungover, will work brunch shifts instead of weekend nights, and have already memorized the price on every menu item.”
At press time, Morgan’s eyes lit up after he was informed that the restaurant’s internal system was down and he had to calculate diners’ checks manually.