KEENE, N.H. — Local man Wesley Peck is on day two of an absolute meltdown after being asked what his favorite band is, unsurprised sources confirmed.
“Sure, I have favorite bands, but to narrow it down to just one, that’s an impossible task. Why would someone put me in that situation? It’s like asking me to summarize my entire life experience in a tweet,” said Peck as he paced back and forth. “Maybe Every Time I Die? It shows I’m a little hardcore, a little metal. But I don’t want people to think I’m just a metalcore dude. And it’s gotta be more obscure. Maybe Earth would do the trick. The Black-Sabbath’s-old-name thing should play well. But I’m not sure if drone metal gets to the core of who I really am. I could just say Sabbath, but that’s so mainstream. Or The Weakerthans, but that’s not hardcore. What if I just said ‘you wouldn’t have heard of them anyway.’ Oh, that’s pretty good! But is it too pretentious? Fuck!”
Bonnie Garcia, a friend of a friend, was unintentionally responsible for this meltdown.
“I was just trying to make conversation. I had no idea my question would kick off a full-on identity crisis. It started out innocently enough; he’d start to answer, stutter, then stare off into the distance,” said Garcia. “It escalated quickly though. By his fourth attempt, I could almost see smoke pouring out of his ears. He finally asked if he could get back to me before storming off. My other friends said they haven’t seen him since. They’re planning a candlelight vigil for Friday.”
Henley Payne, a social psychologist, understands how serious a favorite band can be.
“If you dedicate your life to the music you love and build your personality around it, trying to pick just one band can be a monumental feat. It’s like asking the cast of ‘Sister Wives’ to pick a favorite child–a lot easier if you only have a couple to pick from,” said Payne. “We’ve all heard of decision paralysis, but this is the next level. No one thinks picking pasta sauce epitomizes who you are as a person. Well, unless you pick Ragu. I just can’t imagine having that little self-esteem.”
At press time, Peck had emerged and finally found Garcia to share his favorite band, to which she responded, “I’ll check them out, what’s your favorite song?”