HARTFORD, Conn. — Local man Albert Rickhold recently realized nothing in his life can bring him any semblance of joy unless he sees it being slowly crushed by a hydraulic press due to the manipulations of his algorithm, doomscrolling sources report.
“It’s amazing how quickly everything went south, really,” Rickhold explained. “One minute I found myself looking at Reels on Instagram thinking, ‘Oh that’s funny, that hydraulic press just completely demolished that Furby.’ Next thing I know, I can’t even enjoy a hotdog, any sporting event, or even music by itself. I need to see everything get obliterated. It’s like the way I’ve learned to enjoy things my whole life has been crushed….almost like by a great big press of some sort. But I figure if I pick up drinking again, it should sort itself out, hopefully.”
Albert Rickhold’s wife of 19 years Anna Rickhold says the influence of the algorithm has taken a toll on their marriage.
“I feel like I don’t even know my own husband anymore,” an emotionally distraught and sobbing Anna Rickhold said. “We used to love doing things like going to the movies together. Now he says he can’t be bothered by something like that unless ‘the entire cast and crew is smushed into a pile of viscera by a honking piece of machinery.’ I mean, what the hell does that mean anyway? I ask and he doesn’t even look up from his phone. It hurts so much, I’d honestly be happier if he just fell off the wagon.”
Social media influencer Tad Ronaldo explains how ASMR and highly specific entertainment Reels have made an impact on a large portion of Its users’ lives.
“ASMR videos, while satisfying and relaxing in nature, can become burdensome when overexposed,” Ranaldo said. “There have been instances of people spending hours watching reels of red hot metal balls being dropped into things like pudding or ketchup, and then not being able to orgasm during intercourse. I’m not sure what the connection is, but I imagine it’s the soothing bubbling sound from boiling condiments that alters their attraction to their partners.”
At press time, many outlets project that the miniature hydraulic press for home use will be the highest-selling product on Amazon this year.