Good evening, my name is Sam, and I will be your server tonight. Before we get started, I have a few specials off the menu. Care to hear about them? Perfect.
For the appetizer, I have a sesame-encrusted wasabi tuna. Now that tuna is served with minced jalapeño, cilantro, and . . . Excuse me—ha—are you looking at your wife? Does she know specials? There are nineteen ingredients in the tuna. I’ve listed two. Would you care to hear the other seventeen before I lose my mind? Perfect.
The tuna is slathered in canola oil and brushed with an egg-white glaze. We then drizzle it with a balsamic reduction and spank it with a meat paddle before stuffing it with . . . I’m sorry, do these sexual verbs embarrass you when a stranger says them? They don’t? Then stop looking away.
Where was I? We spank the tuna . . . We then marinate it in soy sauce and ginger tea. Finally, we garnish it with a simple—WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT THE MENU WHEN I TOLD YOU THE SPECIALS AREN’T IN THERE? You’re going to hear what we garnish it with, asshole, or your night is about to get fucking crazy.
Wait, you’re really going to do that thing where you pretend to look me in the eye but instead look at my forehead? Do you think I’m twelve? Look me right here and try to keep your shit together when I say that we garnish the tuna with a simple potato chip. A potato chip! Was that not worth the wait?
Perfect. Now for the entree special, I have a veal Orloff. Why do I say “I have” when I neither procured nor prepared it? That’s sorta my thing. You have a question? You “don’t want to hear about the veal”? You’re “vegan”? Sir, I didn’t stay up until four a.m. last night memorizing the specials to hear you’re suddenly vegan. What about the egg-white glaze on the tuna? Were you vegan then?
All right, sir, listen. You feel that vice grip on the back of your neck? That means you’re going to hear about the veal. And then I’m going to serve you the veal. And you’re going to eat the veal. And you will look me in the eye when you eat it.
Any questions? I’ll give you a minute to decide.