If there’s one thing we here at Hard Times are sure of, it’s that Father Time is undefeated all-time. Which makes sense, because after all, he is a father, and fathers are always right. As you feel yourself aging your way out of your local music scene and into your local Costco scene, it’s imperative that you remember where you came from; that is, if your declining, decrepit memory will allow it you fucking fossil.
Then a festival announcement comes along and pushes you completely over the hill and into the graveyard. And they name it “When We Were Young” to remind you that time is a fleeting construct and your knees and/or back probably couldn’t even handle an all day show anyway. And they put it in a town that you already probably wouldn’t survive a trip to at your advanced age, although that was probably to convince the elderly to show up for the warmer temps.
So grab your CD book, call your babysitter, and trade in those credit card points for airline miles, because this is every album play at When We Were Young 2024 ranked by the most hated to least hated by my children. Please note that Fall Out Boy, LS Dunes, and Carr are not listed, as they aren’t playing any of their albums in full. Although Fall Out Boy would have been disqualified anyway, as it wouldn’t be fair to the other bands since Disney Junior has already indoctrinated my kids into liking them.
51. The Devil Wears Prada “Plagues”
Guess what, daddy makes his living on the internet so HTML Rulez D00dz! But yeah, the kids HATE this one. When I put it on my youngest threatened to undo his seatbelt and jump out the window. Oh well, tough shit. Although the oldest did make the comment that mommy’s bag says “Prada” on it. Out of the mouth of babes.
50. My Chemical Romance “The Black Parade”
Best album on the list? Probably. The one my kids hate the most? A definite possibility. It might have to do with the fact that every time it comes on I choke up; no one wants to see their dad cry. For the record, I’m not weeping because I love my kids so much or anything… it’s from not being able to see MyChem at a VFW anymore.
49. 3OH!3 “Want”
It’s crucial to remember that being a parent is finding a teachable moment in everything. Despite my better judgment, I played the boys this album as a cautionary tale of how not to speak to or about women, and more importantly, how not to try to mix musical genres. Judging by their abject of this album these kids will turn out ok.
48. Pierce The Veil “Collide with the Sky”
“May These Noises Startle You In Your Sleep Tonight”? “One Hundred Sleepless Nights”? “I’m Low On Gas And You Need A Jacket”? Is this an emocore album or the title of my autobiography? Kids hate it, padre loves it… and padre controls the radio.
47. Sleeping With Sirens “Let’s Cheers To This”
What has four corners and two thumbs up? The SUV when this album plays. It’s dad jokes like this that cement my status as a trophy father with trophy sons. Unfortunately, the other 6 thumbs in the SUV are either pointing down or being sucked.
46. Dashboard Confessional “Dusk and Summer”
It’s important when you have toddlers to display emotional intelligence to show them how to process the vast range of feelings one can experience in this life. All that is to say, they’ve heard this album exactly one time and I will never play it again.
45. Alesana “The Emptiness”
Okay, this one is a MAJOR no. The spoken word at the beginning of the album scared the ever living shit out of the baby. Once he started crying, it was like a domino effect of all three demanding I change it immediately. Not trying to traumatize my kids before 1st grade, we can listen to Cocomelon again.
44. Chiodos “All’s Well That Ends Well”
On top of the album title being a popular idiom in our house, “One Day Women Will All Become Monsters” is the next logical progression of the cootie-driven “boys rule and girls drool” phrase the boys love to parrot. But no, they don’t particularly care for this one.
43. Bayside “Self-Titled”
If you don’t want me to call you peanut, stop acting like a peanut gallery. My kids don’t understand this joke, although I’ve explained it to them multiple times. Someday they will appreciate my humor, unlike this album which they are wrong for not enjoying.
42. The Maine “Can’t Stop Won’t Stop”
Lots of lessons to be had on this one, boys.
For the oldest: girls do what they want, boys do what they can.
For the middle child (who doesn’t listen for shit):: when I say it’s time to go, it’s time to go.
And for the baby: count ‘em 1, 2, 3! Yay!
…this one is a no.
41. The Wonder Years “The Greatest Generation”
Throughout your life you will hear a lot of talk about “The Greatest Generation,” which is meant to refer to Daddy’s Nana and Grandpa’s generation that survived The Great Depression and two world wars. But I’m here to tell you that Xennials (daddy’s generation) is actually the greatest one, because we got to exist during The Wonder Years as a TV show and a band.
40. The Starting Line “Say It Like You Mean It”
Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere. Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere. Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere. Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere.
Nobody likes this album and I’m guessing these guys will play to an empty field.
39. August Burns Red “Constellations”
Not one of my fucking kids likes this landmark of an album. It’s almost like they don’t have my blood in their veins. I’m torn between telling them they’re adopted or giving them up for it. No room for taste that poor in this family.
38. Hawthorne Heights “The Silence in Black and White”
Hey kids, do you know the difference between screamo and emo pop? Fuck if I know… I was asking you. I have no idea. When you get older I’ll explain MTV to you and how it ruined everything, though.
37. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus “Don’t You Fake It”
The album is sweet, but the kids hate it for some unknown reason. My best guess is “Don’t You Fake It” is constantly shouted in our house, as in “Apologize to your brother, and don’t you fake it!” How the hell do you explain what an “apparatus” is to a 4-year-old?
36. New Found Glory “Sticks And Stones”
Boys, did you know that before this album even came out daddy saw this band at the Wayne Firehouse? I know I’m old… but what do we say? No, not “bros before hoes,” the other one. That’s right…sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me.
35. Cobra Starship “¡Viva la Cobra!”
How bad of a parent do you think I am?
34. Underoath “They’re Only Chasing Safety”
One of my favorite albums of all time, Daddy definitely likes this one more than the boys. You could probably chalk this up to me constantly screaming “WHATEVER I SAY GOESSS” at bedtime. Weirdly, they do like “Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape” because the drop scares the beJesus out of them (hopefully).
33. Say Anything – “…Is a Real Boy”
This album is just under an hour, so we never get to listen to it as we are rarely driving that far to begin with. But even if it was a road trip, I doubt we’d make it the whole way through.
32. Four Year Strong “Enemy Of The World”
Pop quiz kiddies: if an album has clean vocals, sing-alongs, catchy riffs and hooks, but also double bass, screams, and breakdowns, is it pop punk or melodic hardcore? That’s correct… it doesn’t matter and just be thankful. Bonus question: will I still love you if you have neck tattoos at 19? Of course, but I will make fun of you.
31. Mom Jeans “Best Buds”
Things my kids like: Girl Scout cookies, when daddy has a mustache for Thanksgiving, and their best buds. Things my kids don’t like: boxer shorts and this album for some reason. I’m also getting tired of trying to explain how “mom jeans” are different from regular jeans.
30. Senses Fail “Still Searching”
It’ll be a cold day in hell before I care whether these kids like this album or not; Senses Fail is from New Jersey and thus part of their heritage. If they don’t grow up to love this album I will have failed as a parent. Either that, or my kids will be really good cowboys.