It’s the holiday season and while normies are arguing over whether Halloween or Christmas is better, I know the real answer is Thanksgiving. I couldn’t give a shit about the food or the whole gratefulness bullshit, I’m just here to show off how cool I am. Sure, I might be the only adult here without a “stable income,” but I have one thing the rest of you fucks will never have: taste. Everyone, gather around the portable Bluetooth speaker and prepare to respect me a little bit more.
Arm’s Length
Hey, there’s my favorite nephew, how old are you now, 9? Ah, who gives a shit, come here and listen to this badass emo band from Canada called Arm’s Length. It sounds fucking wicked, right? Your mom says I can’t swear in front of you, but I don’t give a shit what she says. Are you taking notes, I’m trying to teach you about being cool as fuck.
Fleshwater
If you take a splash of grunge, add a sprinkle of shoegaze, and combine that with whatever the fuck they had going on the soundtrack for WWE SmackDown vs. Raw 2007, you’ll be left with a Fleshwater concoction. I hope I can put that in the potluck, no one ever tells me we’re doing this shit.
Catbite
Remember back in the ‘90s when everyone told me chain wallets weren’t practical and that I would eventually grow out of my ska phase? Well, guess what fuckers, I was right about it not being a phase. Catbite are modern-day masters of ska and it will take just one song to make you realize our society would crumble into obscurity without a healthy dose of skanking.
Sweet Pill
This emo/math rock band hailing from Philadelphia is the perfect band to drown out the football game that will eventually lead to a fistfight between family members. I mean, are we really gonna watch grown men touch each other for 48 minutes or are we gonna watch Sweet Pill’s Audiotree performance on YouTube?
Chat Pile
I promised your Mom I wouldn’t talk politics today, but since she’s grabbing the pie, let’s listen to Chat Pile really quick. This sludge metal quartet from Oklahoma City explores a lot of themes revolving around the problems of modern-day America. Look, both Republicans and Democrats are complicit, but I’m just saying if I was of legal voting age in 1980, I wouldn’t have been a little bitch and voted for Reagan.
black midi
Hey kids, I bet your piece of shit dad still only listens to Maroon 5 and Jason Mraz. I’m honestly not sure if you kids can even handle the absurdity of black midi. It’s like that shit Plato said about those dudes chained up in a cave. You guys know I was a philosophy major, right? Sure, I dropped out immediately, but I’ve got a degree in street smarts, which is worth a lot when you live in the suburbs.
Militarie Gun
You guys know me, I’ve always had my finger on the pulse when it comes to pop culture. Anyone who’s anyone is listening to the LA-based punk powerhouse Militarie Gun. I even heard Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce actually met at Militarie Gun concert earlier this year. Yeah, it’s from a trustworthy source, this guy, he only smokes weed. And a little bit of acid too.
Black Country, New Road
This experimental rock band from Cambridge has gained a massive fanbase in only a few years through the band’s emotional lyrics and dense instrumentation. I’m not entirely sure we can trust English cooking enough to invite them to Thanksgiving, especially considering they don’t know what the fuck a biscuit is, but BCNR proves England isn’t entirely a lost cause.
Scowl
Scowl is one of the coolest bands around. If I’m ever walking around in a big city, I make sure they are playing in my ear, just in case one of those TikTokers ask me what I’m listening to. Do you know how embarrassing it would be for me to publicly admit I’m listening to Michael Bublé? I could get fired for that shit. Or worse, I could be mocked by anonymous strangers on the Internet.
Wednesday
Since the release of their first album in 2018, Wednesday has consistently put out at least one project each year, which is an impressive feat. Kind of like how last year I did the most push-ups after single-handedly winning the family football game.
Zulu
They’re jazzy, funky, and soul-inspired. Sure, they’re also Powerviolence and probably a heart attack risk for Grandpa, but after proofreading his will, I think it’s well worth the risk. The kids of this family need to start listening to some music that has an actual message.
Snõõper
Fast-paced. Sporadic. Overstimulating. Those words can be used to describe both Snõõper’s music and a single conversation with my Zoomer niece. The difference between the two is that when I listen to Snõõper, I feel hopeful for the future ahead of us. But when I listen to my niece, I feel unquantifiable dread.
Geese
I think Geese might be best described as a post-punk jam band that makes you want to dance. I’ve actually seen them perform live and they had to stop the show at least twice because it looked like I was having a seizure. I wasn’t even doing anything crazy, I was just hitting the NittyWitty. It’s just something I came up with in my garage in between jobs, I think they’re gonna put it in the Fortnite.
Pool Kids
This Floridian band outputs the best math rock-infused emo this world has ever heard, all while lead singer Christine Goodwyne belts out some extremely relatable lyrics. I’ve been on at least 5 Tinder dates in the past two weeks, and each and every woman said finding out about this band was the highlight of their night. I tried inviting them here for Thanksgiving, but they were all busy with some shit. Crazy, right?
GEL
I’m not sure if GEL is meant to be yelled or if I can just say it in an indoor voice but I’ll yell it just in case Grandma doesn’t have her hearing aids in. GEL is one of the many bands keeping hardcore punk alive, with songs shorter than a round of musical chairs and guitar work that’ll make your neck sore from headbanging. They’re the perfect band to listen to when you have water clogged in your ears.