CHARLESTON, S.C. — Former singer Jane “Skuz” McMillan of punk band Capitalfister became irate when an appraiser broke the news that her band’s old show flyers did not contain any value whatsoever during a taping of hit PBS show “Antiques Roadshow,” several musty-smelling sources report.
“This whole show is bullshit. So glad I’ve never even watched an episode of it before. What a load of crap,” McMillan explained while fumbling around, frantically picking up handbills. “I know for a fact that at the very least, the flyer for the time we opened for the Restarts at the Penny Arcade in Rochester is worth $50 bucks or more. We printed less than 100 of those and only got around to hanging ten of them, and they say they’re garbage! But then they’ll turn around and say some shitty old glass pot from 1,000 years ago is worth bookoo bucks? I’m taking my stuff to the ‘Pawn Stars’ guys like I should have done in the first place, goddamnit.”
The show’s appraiser Andrew Holter felt his assessment was more than reasonable.
“First off, Jane had been drinking heavily and panhandling in the event center lobby for several hours and most of her flyers were previously crumbled up, ripped apart, and taped back together,” Holter explained. “After I looked at her band’s bills for all of three seconds, I decided to just tell her the cigar box she kept them in is probably worth 10 times the amount of its contents. That’s when she repeatedly called me a ‘poser’ then threw up everywhere. She’s probably still passed out in the old 18th century wicker chair she fell into.”
Angela Horowitz has witnessed many unfortunate instances like the one involving “Skuz” McMillan during her 15-year run as a producer on “Antiques Roadshow.”
“Many punks and metalheads alike occasionally come on the show looking to make a quick buck off their useless rubbish,” Horowitz said. “We’ve seen punks adamant their unspent beer tickets from venues that no longer exist are worth a fortune, to metalheads swearing up-and-down their horror VHS collection is worth enough to pay off their noise ordinance tickets. And in most cases the outcome is the same: their junk is worth absolutely nothing and in fact, they’ve even lost money by having to pay for parking at this facility.”
At press time, McMillan was spotted in line at the event center to have a “really nice-looking” hubcap she found in the parking lot appraised by the “Antiques Roadshow” crew.