EAST LANSING, Mich. – Attendees of Fit4Life Athletic Club’s Thursday night Zumba class featuring a drone metal playlist burned a total of approximately four calories, denim-clad participants confirmed.
“I didn’t think Zumba was for me until I tried this class,” said metalhead Amelia Walters, who was wearing a spiked military-grade jacket completely absent of sweat. “When ‘Rise to Glory’ started playing, the moves actually got really intense. We took two sort of big slides to the left and then half a turn, all during the same song. Whew. Luckily there was a nice cooldown right afterward when we did some salsa to the beat of ‘Lullaby of the Leaves’ and then got a water break.”
Witnesses estimated the class participants took more than eight minutes to complete a single merengue step pattern.
“At first I thought they were having a weird funeral for a dead personal trainer or something in there,” commented Fit4Life gym regular Cole Sorriero, who had peered through the glass at the hunched-over, freakishly slow-moving “dancers” at several points during his weightlifting routine. “Maybe it was for that guy with the tattoos who always looked sort of bummed out? But I don’t know. Wait, it has to be for a prank video, right?”
Alberto “Beto” Pérez, founder of the popular fitness dance program that typically burns between 300 and 900 calories per session, weighed in on the new structure of his class.
“Zumba is proudly designed for all ages and backgrounds, and we welcome everyone,” stated Pérez, becoming increasingly disgusted as his assistant showed him a concert video of sunn O)))’s “Mocking Solemnity”. “But seeing the tragic footage of the so-called ‘drone’ class, I am utterly and fully repulsed. I cannot even speak to how insulting this is, they just sit there grimacing most of the time and occasionally nodding their head. A few of the people in the class were oepnly drinking beers. This should be a joyous and fun workout, and here these people are, barely even moving. Despicable!”
At press time, Fit4Life had responded to gymgoers’ requests for a “more challenging” workout by replacing the Thursday drone metal Zumba class with grindcore Zumba.