ASTORIA, Ore. — Local PR account manager Madison Auerbach decided there is more value in referring to people as “unhoused” in her private conversations than actually giving money to those in need, confirmed skeptical sources.
“As an ally, it’s crucial that we use the language of inclusivity when referring to the less fortunate members of our community,” said Auerbach while crossing the street to avoid a tent on the sidewalk on her walk back to work from a local lunch spot. “Reminding them and each other that just because you don’t have a house doesn’t mean that you don’t have a place in our city is the greatest service that I can provide to these modern-day heroes. If I were in that situation, what I would really want is my dignity, and I’m just happy I can provide that for them.”
Community outreach worker Jamal Walker recognized Auerbach from her vocal social media presence.
“Oh yeah, I know of her. I’ve never actually seen her at any mutual aid events, but she’s very online,” said Walker. “She always shares my posts on Facebook when we’re doing a community clean-up day or if we need people to come watch the cops while they’re doing sweeps so they don’t get violent. I mean, that’s cool and all, but I sent her a message once about volunteering down at the shelter and she got back to me about a week later saying she missed my DM but the community appreciates my leadership or something like that. She keeps claiming she has sleeping bags to donate, but somehow never drops them off.”
Troy Stevens, whom Auerbach has passed on the street multiple times while speaking loudly into her phone, says the hollow gesture is typically unhelpful compared to those who can spare whatever change they are carrying.
“Look, I don’t give a shit about what people call me,” said Stevens, who has lived in his car with his dog, Rubber, for the past 14 months. “I had an apartment right up until the landlord raised our rent 200% and my disability checks wouldn’t clear. Somehow implying this car is my ‘place in the community’ doesn’t really make my life any better. With $5 I could at least get a sandwich or something, maybe even pay for a coffee somewhere so I can get out of the rain for a minute.”
At press time, Auerbach was attempting to avoid eye contact with a man on the street while leaving a comment on the local news’ Facebook page calling the city’s police department “fascist.”