DETROIT — Crowd members attending a show headline by doom metal band Wretched Wizard questioned the band’s authenticity when they noticed their lack of long scraggly facial hair, several burnt out sources report.
“Once the smoke machine calmed down and we could see what the band actually looked like, I, like many, had a couple questions,” said doom metal fan Angela Green while opening her Chipotle burrito. “Like, first of all, why would a band with ‘wizard’ in the name have no members with long white beards? Also, not one person in the band was overweight, these guys looked like they jog for fun. I was under the impression that doom bands need at least one fat guy. At one point, I thought they could have been Mormons or maybe even undercover cops or something. However, I don’t think any cop or Mormon would smoke weed from a real human skull mid-set like that.”
Wretched Wizard guitarist Brian Gonzalez explained the band’s history of confusion in the doom metal scene.
“No matter what city or state we play, we always get the same funny looks and confused stares,” Gonzalez said. “Many times, people don’t just question our doom metaldom, they are just straight-up bullies to us. Comments like, ‘Oh look, it’s Babyface Sabbath!’ and ‘Get off the stage, no-weird-beard!’ One time when we played Baltimore, our bassist’s fake ZZ Top beard came off right in the middle of our set. Now we’re too embarrassed to book anything in the entire state of Maryland because of that.”
Doom metal expert George Brennan weighed in on how some doom bands have run into similar issues in the past.
“In order for a proper doom metal to remain beardless and still pull off the doom aesthetic, they need to get creative and make up for it, “Brennan said while fiddling with his cross necklace. “Back in the ‘80s, premier Swedish doom metallers Candlemass totally mastered the genre with not a single beard on their faces. Not one person was suspicious however because they made up for it by having a poofy-haired guy in a monk cloak stomping around on stage. That’s arguably more doom than having a shitty beard.”
At press time, Wretched Wizard’s singer was seen walking into a barbershop restroom with a big bag of cut hair and a tube of model glue.