CHICAGO — Local couple Nicole Vario and Peter Brooks opted to stay together as the mere idea of dating caused both of them to become visibly ill despite their marriage being “deader than disco,” sources close to the pair confirmed.
“I mean it’s not that I don’t love Peter anymore, it’s just that I can’t stand anything about him. It happens,” the 38-year-old Vario remarked while alternating between divorce attorney and dating advice websites. “But I’ve been with Peter since college and I just don’t have the headspace or energy to navigate the dating scene right now. I mean, my single friends tell me what a shitshow Tinder is and setting up a profile with pics that don’t really look like me in real life sounds like an absolute nightmare. Peter doesn’t talk much anymore, but I can still get more words out of him than some weirdo simply DMing me the word ‘hey’ on these apps.”
Brooks could not agree more with his romantically unfulfilled partner’s sentiment.
“I mean, we get along, so it’s not like I’m miserable and we still have sex once every three years, so that’s a plus,” said Brooks. “The dating dynamic has changed so much since I was last single, so it would just end up being this huge learning curve. I’m nearly 40, I’m too old to try and put on airs to impress some stranger on the internet who can’t even look up from their phone for 30 seconds. I’ll take eating dinner with Nicole in complete silence while we rewatch ‘The Office’ for the 75th time over trying to connect with someone romantically online any day.”
Relationship experts note that this phenomenon is hardly unique in the current internet-centric culture.
“Older millennials have survived two economic recessions, multiple wars, and a global pandemic, they’re too worn down and busy to deal with all idiotic bullshit that dating entails,” remarked relationship expert Dan Savage. “As an adaptable group of people, they’re willing to look at every situation analytically to determine the best course of action. Therefore, it’s easy to see with all the instability they’ve experienced why they’d stay in a predictable rut than have to date the extremely online, raving lunatics their age that are still single.”
“Besides, unlike Boomers, at least they acknowledge there’s a problem in their relationships,” Savage added.
At press time, Brooks and Vario decided to try to have a baby as a last-ditch effort to avoid dating again.