PORTSMOUTH, N.H. — Local heterosexual Christine Gonzales was stumped midway through creating an online dating profile after the app asked her if she was interested in dating men, confirmed friends who are also questioning why they bother with men.
“It feels like a trick question,” said Gonzales, still unsure how to proceed with the prompt. “I don’t usually bring pepper spray and a miniature stun gun to something I’m ‘interested’ in, but here we are. The other day I actually Googled ‘cute tactical belts’ to help me carry my weapons on dates. I’d feel more comfortable if the app asked if I developed certain biological factors before birth that led me to identify as predominantly straight.”
Because “interested” is defined as showing curiosity or concern about something or someone, many straight women feel the phrase should be changed to something that better captures the abject disappointment of dating men.
“We see you, we hear you, and we’re working on it,” said Dorothy Young, marketing operations manager for a major dating app. “It’s hard for women to admit they’re interested in something that’s also their second leading cause of death. This is why we’re expanding our preference section to include more user-friendly choices for straight women like ‘interested in not being alone,’ ‘resigned to date men,’ and a third option that’s just a sad face.”
Men are responding to this perceived attack on their character by coming forward to assert themselves as compelling and multifaceted bachelors.
“How am I not interesting? I have way more hobbies than any girl I’ve ever met,” said James Brooks, swiping through his carefully curated Hinge profile of cars and freshwater fish. “If you don’t think catching an 18-pound largemouth bass with a six-foot trolling rod is interesting, maybe you deserve to be single. Next, you’re going to tell me you don’t want to see pictures of my boys’ weekend in Myrtle Beach. Whatever. No one on this app will ever measure up to my ex anyway.”
At press time, Gonzalez was seen desperately retaking the Kinsey scale test.