YORBA LINDA, Calif. — Sony Music Group announced the acquisition of all recorded works and songwriting property of metalcore outfit Atreyu in a staggering deal estimated well over ten dollars, sources close to the band confirmed.
“It’s a smart investment. The deal includes a wealth of songs from ‘Ex’s and Oh’s’ to the radio edit of ‘Ex’s and Oh’s.’ Who knows, we might reboot the ‘Crazy Taxi’ video game and one of their songs could possibly fit in somewhere,” said CEO Rob Stringer. “To be honest, I was a little strapped for cash after the big Springsteen deal so I’m happy to be dabbling in smaller markets. Right now is the perfect time to buy, ‘When We Were Young’ has stirred up a frenzy in a market that has enjoyed a stable 15 years of irrelevance.”
Early reports indicate that all negotiations took place at the band’s merch table following a sold-out homecoming show at the local rec center.
“We were just about to pack up and let the intramural basketball team take the court when this pudgy, Horace Slughorn-looking type comes up to us in a suit and tie,” said Atreyu frontman Brandon Saller. “When he told us he was interested in ‘buying our catalog’ at first I thought he meant the U-Line catalog I use as a pillow in the van. But it turns out he wanted to buy the rights to our music. He tried to lowball us by offering a few ‘slightly used’ iTunes gift cards, but I wouldn’t budge. I know our worth and fourteen bucks is more than anyone has spent on our music in a long time, and we’re looking forward to using this good momentum heading into 2022.”
The band’s lawyer, who wished to remain anonymous, spoke highly of the mammoth deal in the official Atreyu thrice-weekly email blast.
“It’s the best we could have hoped for, exceeding expectations by far. First, I made a cool six dollar commission. Second, it’s a load off my shoulders. Personally, I’m not too familiar with the band’s music,” said the lawyer. “I think I know the song from Now 9, but that may have been Adema. Either way, if I saw a commercial using vaguely generic, scream-ish type music, I wouldn’t even be sure if I should sue. So just getting rid of the rights is a huge relief.”
UPDATE: After more carefully reading the fine print of Sony’s contract, Atreyu’s Dan Jacobs released a follow-up statement, through gritted teeth, that the band is overjoyed to be the Kid’s Choice Awards house band through 2029.