PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Dave Landers received the COVID-19 vaccine on Thursday and is now looking forward to never, ever washing his hands again, according to concerned and extremely grossed-out sources.
“2020 was the worst year ever!” Landers claimed while eating Doritos and rubbing his orange-coated hands onto his pants. “All of this handwashing crap was driving me crazy. My hands got so dry at one point that I was like, ‘This can’t be worse than the disease.’ Did you know you’re supposed to do it before and after you eat? Anyway, thank God I got the vaccine and now I can finally get on with my life. Starting today, I’m going back to my old system of only ever washing my hands if my finger breaks through the toilet paper when I’m taking a shit.”
Landers’ unsanitary plan doesn’t surprise Sai Varma, his roommate.
“Dave isn’t exactly known for his sterling hygiene,” Varma noted while running around their apartment sanitizing door knobs and other high-contact surfaces. “I keep telling him that you can like punk and metal music and still own shampoo, but it’s never really clicked. When the pandemic started, I had to show him how to wash his hands the way you would teach a child. I thought it would help him do it for the proper amount of time if he hummed a song while he soaped and scrubbed, but he got around that pretty easily by choosing ‘You Suffer’ by Napalm Death.”
Epidemiologists have advised people to continue following hygienic best practices even after receiving a vaccination.
“Are you kidding? People should absolutely continue washing their hands after receiving the COVID-19 vaccine,” stated Dr. Katie Lin, a professor of epidemiology at New York University. “First of all, that’s just disgusting. And we don’t know enough about how individuals who receive the vaccine might continue to spread the virus. While I’m at it, I’d like to clear up a few other rumors I’ve heard from the punk community: getting the vaccine doesn’t mean you can stop flossing, clipping your toenails, or paying rent. Don’t shoot the messenger!”
Landers was last seen bottle-feeding his pet bat before heading to his job as a Subway sandwich artist.