Punk Clears Out Pit to Make Room for Crossing Ducklings

AKRON, Ohio – Local punk Paul Vanslyke is being called a hero after he weathered a showering of beer, boos, and fists on Thursday night while clearing out the center of a mosh pit to protect a brood of ducklings crossing the venue in search of a nearby pond, according to reports.

CeCe Kano, bassist of opening band Electric Lurker, was the first to notice Vanslyke’s heroic behavior.

“I mean, we just finished our first song, and as I’m tuning this guy is just crashing into people, spilling drinks,” said Kano. “And he just kept screaming, ‘Open this shit up, mother fuckers!’ At first, I was thinking, ‘Dick move, guy.’ Of course, that changed when I heard the quacking.”

Witnesses confirm the distressed mother duck and her five ducklings sought safe crossing to their nest at a small pond just to the right of the stage.

“Look, I don’t care if you’re human or waterfowl. I am here to help the helpless,” said Vanslyke after the show, sitting on the stage and feeding the ducklings pieces of old hot dog buns. “None of these other poseurs with their Hot Topic haircuts could take 10 seconds to quit scrolling through Tumblr to help these adorable animals. THAT is problematic.”

“When I see some hoss out there throwing himself around between songs, it’s like, ‘Who is this jerkoff?'” said Mike Dixon, one of many in the crowd shoved by Vanslyke. “But then I saw those cute ducks timidly walk out across the pit while this dude in a flannel windmilled into people and yelled, ‘Yeah, fucking right, get it goin’! Quack! Quack!’ That was a really beautiful moment.”


“Fact of the matter is, there is a pond here now,” said Vanslyke when pressed for statement regarding potential injuries to fellow showgoers. “There are ducks here now. You gotta be aware, or, yeah, you’re gonna get hurt.”

Venue owner Donna Schlegel may have summed up the evening best.

“We have a leaky roof that has only been getting worse,” Schlegel said. “Now there is a good-sized pond right by the PA. And I guess a family of ducks lives in it. Christ.”

Article by Steven Kowalski @casimerkowalski. Photo by Chey Rawhoof.

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