Dad Getting Sick of Son Asking Him to Check Under His Bed for Steven Tyler
BOSTON — Local father Hank Lindemuler is growing tired of his son Simon Lindemuler asking him to check under the bed for any sign of Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, confirmed sources. “He’s eight years old now. Time for him to get over …
Karoline Leavitt Says She’ll Still Defend Pedophiles on Pro Bono Basis After Exiting White House
WASHINGTON — Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt is leaving her position as one of the nation’s top pedophile defenders but will continue to protect abusers in… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
The Next Dave Grohl? This Guy Was in a Band and Now He’s in Another One
I’m Tired of Being Told I Don’t Pay Rent When I Provide Free Therapy to Four Losers with Underdeveloped Frontal Lobes — Guest Column by a House Cat
I’m the housecat in a two-bedroom shared by four 23-year-old numbskulls, and I’m here to tell my story. I am sick and tired of being… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
The Hard Times One-Step Guide To Quit Micro-Dosing and Just Take the Ride Like a Fucking Adult
It’s been over 10 years since micro-dosing—the practice of taking just a small amount of hardcore, mind-altering drugs every day to cure whatever self-diagnosed problem… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Jared Leto Clarifies He’s Studying for His Next Role Where He Plays a Pedophile Named Jared Leto
Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier
WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Music
Robert Plant Admits Hair Is Noodles
SHATTERFORD, England — Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant finally made a statement admitting that his hair is, in fact, noodles, confirmed sources who long suspected as much. “I’ve been afraid to tell people,” Plant shared while cleaning his hair using…
Shrinkflation on the Rise: Ticket Now Only Gets You One Duran
LOS ANGELES — The same ticket that used to get fans into a Duran Duran…
MAGA Rapper Earns Street Cred After Snitching to the Cops
TAMPA, Fla. — MAGA rapper Dyson Red found himself earning street cred from his peers…
Audiophile Gets Hepatitis C From Dirty Vinyl Needle
BALTIMORE — A health and musical disaster occurred today as a man contracted hepatitis C…
Taking Back Sunday To Play Special ‘2003 AIM Away Message’ Setlist at Riot Fest
AMITYVILLE, N.Y. — Rock band Taking Back Sunday announced their plans to play a special…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…