Man Who Ordered Joy Division LP on Temu Receives Interpol Tape
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Thrifty post-punk fan Dannie Bishop reportedly received an Interpol tape in lieu of the Joy Division LP he ordered off of Temu, confirmed sources who say he is “annoyed, but unsurprised.” “I guess deep down I knew t…
Nice Try, Instagram! I Already Bought That Hat the Last Time You Advertised It to Me
Wow! You really think I’m that easy to fool, huh? All that time, money, and research invested in your precious little algorithm, one that supposedly… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Slipknot Loses Three Members Due to Iowa Gerrymandering
DES MOINES, Iowa — Legendary Iowa metal band Slipknot confirmed Monday that it is being forced to relinquish three of its nine members after they… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Ironic: Classmate Who Wore “No Fear” Shirts in Middle School Now Inordinately Terrified of Cities, Immigrants, and Trans People
Remember your middle-school classmate Bryce Hepfeldt? He sat behind you in 7th grade Pre-Algebra and often entertained you with Stone Cold Steve Austin catchphrases and… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Several ICE Agents Horribly Disemboweled During Attempt to Deport GWAR Back to Scumdoggia
RICHMOND, Va. — Several ICE agents had their internal organs forcibly removed during a recent raid on the Slave Pit, home of the extraterrestrial rock… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
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Music
Bob Dylan Reveals Every Other Member of the Wallflowers Is Also His Son
DULUTH, Minn. — Prolific singer-songwriter Bob Dylan revealed that every member of ‘90s rock group The Wallflowers, in addition to frontman Jakob Dylan, is also his son, surprised sources report. “Oh, I was so proud of my boys when they…
Several ICE Agents Horribly Disemboweled During Attempt to Deport GWAR Back to Scumdoggia
RICHMOND, Va. — Several ICE agents had their internal organs forcibly removed during a recent…
Overly Ambitious Promoter Books Mixed Genre Show With Three Hardcore Bands, Full Production of “The Phantom of the Opera”
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Local promoter Trent Lyons combined a reasonably curated three-act hardcore bill…
Record Store Owners' Union to Vote on Whether Ghost Albums Belong in Metal Section
AUSTIN, Texas — Members of the Record Store Owners’ Union are divided on an upcoming…
Wellness Check Called on Members of King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard After Two-Month Gap with No New Album Released
MELBOURNE, Australia — Concerned fans of psychedelic rock outfit King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard,…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…