End It Seriously Underestimating Retaliatory Power of Chiquita Banana Company
TORONTO — Members of the hardcore band End It called on the crowd to harass and disrobe an attendee wearing an attention-grabbing banana costume during a recent show, a move many fans fear will draw retaliation from the notoriously bloodthi…
Aaron Lewis Just Found Out Christ’s Teachings Were About Love and Social Equality, and He Is PISSED
There’s a reason people are calling Aaron Lewis “the thinking-man’s Kid Rock.” Armed with a 4th-grade reading level and a desperate need to have something… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Microbrewery Entirely Built Around Pun Name ‘Let’s Circle Bock’
Nation’s Bosses Announce Plans To Call You on Teams the Second You Sit Down To Take a Shit
DETROIT — The nation’s bosses have announced their plan to call you on collaboration platform Microsoft Teams the second you sit down on the toilet… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
“Careful,” Helpfully Warns Bystander After Woman Has Already Tripped
MONROE, Wash. — In an act of breathtaking selflessness, a local man warned a woman to be careful after she stumbled over a styrofoam halal… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Report: Increasing Number of Americans Ditching Healthcare for Big Bottle of Tums
Wait, What’s Wrong With These Ones? We Found Five Grunge Albums That Don’t Have a Baby Dick on the Cover
Grunge was a huge subgenre of alternative rock that sprang out of the Pacific Northwest in the mid-eighties before fizzling out of popularity about ten… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Music
Fugazi Announce New Prank Call Album
ARLINGTON, Va. — Fugazi will end their decades-long hiatus with the release of a new album of prank phone calls, sources close to the band confirm. “We started getting together last year in secret to work on songs for a…
Punk Tries Pickleball After Hearing It's Loud and Annoying
ARLINGTON, Va. — Local punk Troy Crouse expressed a sudden interest in trying pickleball after…
Centipede Becomes Highest Contributing Member of Punk House After Eating Termite
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — A centipede dwelling in the bathroom of a local punk house has…
Report: Art Garfunkel Still Getting Ass From 1966's ‘Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme’
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Octagenarian Art Garfunkel is not only alive and well but “still…
Mountain Goats Release Album About Mountain Goats Albums
HURLEY, N.Y. — In the latest of a long string of niche concept albums exploring…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…