Firefighter Goes to Town on Punching Bag He Taped Photo of Fire To
AKRON, Ohio — Letting out a series of strained, angry grunts, local firefighter Dean Portney absolutely went to town on a punching bag he taped a photo of fire to this past week, confirmed sources. “I just hate fire so, so much; but, as …
Zuckerberg Insists SOS Would Have Reached More Yachts if Endangered Boat Boosted It for $10
ALASKA — Mark Zuckerberg doubled down on claims that his yacht did not hear the distress call of a nearby skiff that had run out… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
The Next Dave Grohl? This Guy Was in a Band and Now He’s in Another One
Adorable Dog Mayor of Small Town Approves Data Center
BARKLEY, Ore. — Residents gathered Tuesday evening outside Town Hall to protest Mayor Waffles, a five-year-old dog, after he approved a controversial 2.3 million-square-foot data… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Jared Leto Clarifies He’s Studying for His Next Role Where He Plays a Pedophile Named Jared Leto
A new documentary is alleging that actor-musician Jared Leto has engaged in a disturbing pattern of grooming and sexually assaulting teenage girls for over two… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Progressive Free-Spirited College Town Not Fucking Around When It Comes To Parking Enforcement
Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier
WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Music
Two-Armed Drummer in Def Leppard Tribute Band Clearly Hasn’t Committed to the Bit
MONTCLAIR, N.J. — Craig Towney, the two-armed drummer for Def Leppard tribute band Sugarpourers, clearly demonstrated that he’s not willing to commit to the bit, sources report. “I’m really having fun playing in Sugarpourers, but I know that I haven’t…
Unbaptized Man Bursts Into Flames Upon Entering Creed Concert
ORANGE BEACH, Ala. — Creed fan Jerry Torrance suddenly burst into flames and died upon…
Mark Zuckerberg Hoping Nobody Notices His Latest Metaverse Demonstration Just a Dire Straits Music Video
PALO ALTO, Calif. — American multinational technology company Meta’s chairman and chief executive officer Mark…
Festival-Goers Not Sure Whether Bluegrass Band From Appalachians or Brooklyn
BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local attendees at the Champlain Americana Festival struggled to determine whether bluegrass…
Aging Scorpions Singer Now Only Able To Rock You Like a Severe Tropical Storm
HANOVER, Germany — Klaus Meine, longtime frontman of the popular hard rock band Scorpions, announced…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…