WASHINGTON — Changing tables were installed in U.S. Senate bathrooms for elderly elected officials, thanks to the hard work of a bipartisan group of ancient lawmakers led by the most decrepit, Senator Chuck Grassley, confirmed sources.
“These senators have served tirelessly for years and years and years and years and years and years and years, so it was important to ensure they have all the necessities they need to continue performing at their highest level for the people of this great nation,” stated Rebecca Lewis, an aide for Senator Grassley, who was spotted napping in his desk chair. “Besides, you wouldn’t want a powerful senator who decides your futures getting cranky all because they’ve been sitting in their own poop for too long, would you?”
Celebrations of the newly renovated changing tables kicked off today with a toilet paper cutting ceremony and an honorary first sit, where Senator Mitch McConnell was voted by his peers to be the inaugural user of these lovely new bathroom additions.
“Mitch let out a gentle moan during the session, which is typically his sign of approval. We were glad to hear it too since this was his first audible sound in months,” said McConnell’s personal nurse Lindsay Harbor, while still fist-deep wiping the senator’s ass. “These are certainly helpful for nurses like me. It beats having to change him on the floor. But you know what would be even more helpful? Term limits.”
While many were celebrating these new bathroom renovations, fossilized Senator Susan Collins, who recently lost her reelection bid, was not in any mood to rejoice.
“It’s not fair! I worked extremely hard on this project, and I was looking forward to using these changing tables for years to come,” said a teary-eyed Collins. “After serving for nearly 30 years here, this is the thanks I get? I was just hitting the age where these would have been very useful for me. But the selfish people of Maine spoke and said that they wanted healthcare for all…EXCEPT for me apparently. Now, instead of spending the rest of my days here on the Senate floor, I’ll have to go to a real nursing home instead.”
At press time, the White House announced that President Donald Trump will also pay the Senate a visit today to join the celebrations and test the new changing tables for potential ballroom additions.
