SAN DIEGO — A local venue uncovered a sting operation within their premises when a plainsclothes police officer blew his cover by being the only one on time to last night’s DIY punk show, sources confirmed.
“I have no idea what any of them are talking about,” said Blake Christophen, as he pulled down his Blue Lives Matter Punisher gaiter and removed his orange Oakley sunglasses. “I’m just a regular citizen, who came here to enjoy some rock and roll that was supposed to start at exactly 18:00 Pacific Time. I’m not here to bust anybody’s balls. I can help set up if they need it. I have some zip ties in the back of my car we could use.”
Mary Tang, longtime influential member of the local DIY scene, was not falling for the obvious charade.
“He’s clearly a cop,” proclaimed Tang, as she arrived on the scene 45 minutes late. “He’s the only one here that doesn’t work in the warehouse across the street. He’s also the only one here that’s dressed like John Cena. But the most damning evidence is that he’s the only one that showed up on time. Everybody knows that if a show is starting at 6:00 PM, that means you’re showing up at 8:30 to help set up. Don’t show up five minutes early and double park your Ford Explorer in the disability parking. At least try to be a little inconspicuous.”
Local chief of police Barney Quinn expressed his disappointment in the failed operation.
“This is sloppy police work,” commented Quinn while stacking donuts on his gun and eating them like a kabob. “Even I know you don’t show up on time to these shows if you want to avoid suspicion. I am very distraught over the situation, we’ve been working this angle for years and we were this close to busting an underground Antifa operation. I won’t say too much, but we had very good reason to suspect that Nancy Pelosi was performing transgender surgeries on MS-13 members in that venue. Now we’ll have to rebuild trust by sending officers into the vegan punk scene, which is even more of a woke nightmare than this. Godspeed to whichever poor sucker they assign that operation to.”
At press time, an undercover police officer working as a non-binary barista was tapped to take over the case.
