WASHINGTON — An attempted tiny circle pit during a Tiny Desk Concert in NPR’s headquarters was not well-met by almost everyone in attendance, irritated sources report.
“I must’ve ended up at the wrong venue, because I thought this was a Dying Fetus concert,” mosher Tom McMillen told reporters. “I got in and there was just this dude playing finger-picked acoustic guitar all frenetically. I appreciated how technical his style was, but I quickly got bored because there were no breakdowns or double-bass drumming. I figured everybody else at the show was feeling the same way, so I decided to liven things up by trying to start up a circle pit. People started to get really, really pissed at me though, so I’m not sure if that was a cool thing to do. That definitely doesn’t mean I’m going to stop, though.”
Fellow concertgoer Miranda Shinoda was bothered by McMillen’s actions.
“I was having a great time until that idiot started running in a circle and pushing people around,” Shinoda said. “I remember thinking he looked a little out of place when he arrived. I mean, most people don’t come to these shows wearing Entombed longsleeves. I’ve been waiting for months to see this show, and by the third song I’m being slammed into a bookshelf by this guy. I tried to shove him back just to get him out of my way, but that just seemed to egg him on. I swear, everytime I attempted to retaliate he just grinned at me. Something was seriously wrong with that guy.”
Classical guitarist Sean Shibe reflected on what he saw in the crowd during his performance.
“That was very, very distracting,” Shibe noted. “The music I play is extremely intricate, so I really don’t appreciate some dipshit with long hair and skull tattoos running around in a circle and bumping into me as I’m trying to finish up ‘Lute Suite in E Minor.’ I’m not from around here, so I guess I had something different in mind when I arrived. I’m definitely going to have to pass on any future offers if this is how people behave in Tiny Desk Concerts. I’m seriously considering demanding to have my gig pay doubled, because I can’t be asked to play in these conditions.”
At press time, McMillen was having a hard time getting others to participate in a wall of death.
