Hey, pervert! I see you fingering through the Roxy Music vinyls a little slower than all the other sections of the record store. Trying to score a gander at the scantily clad babes on the cover photos, eh? Well plot twist, that’s my mother on every Roxy Music album cover you’re eye-fucking.
Those Roxy Music album cover gigs helped my mom put food on the table for me and my 12 siblings, but it was exhausting work. Everyday she would come from a twelve-hour shoot at around 1am, often still dressed as a french maid, sexy viking or mermaid. In the morning frontman Brian Ferry, who despite being English actually spoke in a heavy Brooklyn accent, would call her and say “sorry, toots, you gotta come back. We need you to hold this javelin in a sexy way!” Mom would give a weary sigh, and ask the older children to watch over the young ones as she made her daily 4,500 mile drive to England from our tiny Mississippi sod house.
So excuse me if I get a little upset when I see some unloved Carhart-ass vinyl gremlin pretend he’s inspecting a copy of Roxy Music’s Country Life album for “wear and tear.” Why don’t you “wear” some respect for working single moms and “tear” through a bible once in a while, asshole.
Both of those topless women are my mom, by the way. It’s the Nutty Professor 2 camera thing, which she also invented.
How did mom get the Roxy Music gig? After Dad was killed by the CIA for looking at a photo of a marijuana cigarette in 1971, Mom answered a “Sexy Help Wanted” Roxy Music posted in the newspaper. Little did she know it was the beginning of a twenty-year career of grueling, non-stop sexiness.
Her final shoot for 1982’s Avalon lasted 36 hours. She wore nothing but a viking helmet and had to work with a bird who was openly racist. It was supposed to be full frontal, but Ferry had his thumb on the lens the entire time except for an outtake where everyone was looking at the bird as it kept calling the water slurs.
Where is Mom now? Well, plot twist, she owns this record store! I am its watchful steward, ready to shame boners like you who stare at her album covers for too long. She is also Flo from Progressive.