ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced the final eradication of the Bieber Fever outbreak, confirmed sources.
“It’s been almost 16 years since this outbreak and if you think it wasn’t an active effort, you’d be sorely mistaken,” said Joseph Takahashi, a researcher at the CDC. “Ever since ‘My World 2.0’ came out, it’s been all hands on deck. Most cases we initially found were in the school systems, but soon it was infecting everyone. Cases were coming from office workers, food service employees, even health care. Nurses humming ‘Baby’ were spreading their infection to some very vulnerable patients. We knew we had to do something.”
The CDC spent the better part of the next decade working on plans to contain the outbreak.
“It was a team effort,” said CDC spokeswoman Lynn Getty. “One of the most visible symptoms was the influx in men growing hair similar to Bieber’s swish. Our first plan of action was a change in Beiber’s hairstyle, but we quickly saw the patient’s hair morph with it. That’s when we came up with the idea for an antidote. We split Harry Styles from his One Direction counterparts and gave him the solo career. Soon symptoms started to subside as the patients’ immune systems were focused on this new pop heart throb.”
While Bieber Fever is officially eradicated, there is still a chance that similar diseases could emerge.
“Please keep an eye out for future symptoms that can form,” said Former NIAID director Anthony Fauci. “Despite its national headlines, Bieber Fever is not the only disease of its kind. There have been multiple reports of Swift Fever and BTS Fever, but they never took hold because the names don’t rhyme. Still there could be other contagious diseases in the future. Look out for artists who could be easily manipulated into a symptom. Like Drake Aches or Genesis Sepsis. I will advise installing a rhyming dictionary on your phone and checking proactively before listening to any new artists or entering a Macy’s.”
At this time, the CDC is urging all music listeners to regularly wash their earbuds and keep at least six feet away from anyone refusing to say “never.”
