MILWAUKEE — A child bass player with terminal cancer was denied her dying wish to play lead guitar by the Make-A-Wish Foundation as it interfered with long-held institutional policies and beliefs, apologetic sources confirmed.
“We strive to make every child’s wish come true, but, unfortunately, there are limitations,” said Make-A-Wish spokesman Charles Frante. “Limitations like playing starting point guard for the Miami Heat, riding a rocketship to Mars, or, in this case, allowing a lowly bassist to play lead guitar. I mean, say we were allow it this one time. What’s next? A child drummer gets granted residuals on a song they helped write? Never gonna happen. The slipperiest of slopes, frankly.”
Despite the Make-A-Wish Foundation’s justification, many have expressed their disappointment, including the patient herself, Micah Trumbholdt.
“It’s so easy, all anyone’s gotta do is hand me a freaking guitar,” demanded 13-year-old Trumbholdt. “I never even wanted to be a bass player, I wanted to play lead guitar. But when I was five, my dad bought me a bass for Christmas because his shit band needed a bass player and he told me ‘literally anyone will do.’ Now I’m stuck here, dying in bed with my fuckin’ Schecter. This is horseshit in the nth degree.”
Regardless of this setback, Trumbholdt’s medical team confirmed there is still hope.
“All she needs to do is pick up a hobby that would re-ignite circuits in the part of the brain that is typically associated with music and joy, like learning to play lead guitar. Which is just a shame, considering she’s a bassist,” empathetically noted Doctor Donald Wentworth. “As doctors, we aim to disrupt fate’s agency with modern science to prolong the health and wellness of an individual. But we’ll do everything we can for her, even if her status makes her one of our less desirable patients to treat. Maybe we can teach her piano!”
At press time, the Make-A-Wish Foundation announced they were able to pull some strings and would like to offer Trumbholdt a guided tour of the Mariana Trench by James Cameron in lieu of “the whole guitar idea.”