DAYTON, Ohio — Breeders frontwoman Kim Deal reportedly discovered today that she’d been fired from the Pixies after plugging in an old fax machine in her attic to see if it still worked, confirmed sources.
“I was shocked when the first thing that printed out of my IntelliFax 600 from Brother Electronics was a note from Black Francis stating that the band was broken up. I probably should have expected this, I never used fax machines but Francis loved them and used them frequently,” said Deal. “He would often fax the studio his lyrics instead of singing them. The rhythm guitar on ‘Is She Weird’ was actually just a series of well-timed faxes. I’m more impressed than anything. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve actually met him in person. He spoke to the entire band exclusively through fax. It probably explains why I stopped hearing from him after I unplugged my fax machine to move to my new apartment.”
Francis thought for sure Deal had received the message long ago.
“I’m really shocked she had no idea, I’ve been reaching out to her for years to make sure she knew she was fired. I sent faxes, telegrams, carrier pigeons, you name it. There’s no way she didn’t get any of my communiqués,” claimed the Pixies frontman. “I guess she didn’t even receive the barbershop quartet and accompanying dancers I hired to confirm the message either. We choreographed a whole routine about me firing her. It’d be such a shame if she didn’t see it, we worked hard for months on that.”
Experts were well aware of the importance of fax machines in interpersonal band communication.
“This is not completely unprecedented; Ringo Starr still believes he is in the Beatles due to fax machines not having been invented yet 1969,” said music historian Tom Noble. “Back then, there really was no way to kick someone out of a band. Even today, the lack of fax machines makes this simple task a real hurdle for many. Matt Skiba even still thinks he’s in Blink-182 and is just waiting for the text from Mark to get the band going again. Poor sap.”
At press time, Francis was forced to evacuate his apartment complex after his series of smoke signals to order DoorDash set off the carbon monoxide detectors.