WASHINGTON — Federal Communications Commission (FCC) employee Joshua Boyd found himself in way over his fucking head after being tasked with censoring a single by popular British rapper Dodgy Chaz, sources report.
“I’ve gotta be honest, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing here,” Boyd said helplessly as he combed through the lyrics to the song “Hasslin’ Grassers.” “Not only do I have to find the swear words, but I also have to discern their severity to see if they need to be blocked out. I mean, ‘plonker’? ‘Chav’? Are these bad, and if so, how bad? We can say ‘hell’ and ‘damn’ here, but we can’t say ‘shit’ or ‘fuck,’ so how do these British words compare to those? My boss needs me to have this done by tomorrow, so I’m at a total loss as to what I’m going to do.”
Chaz wasn’t sure what the challenge was in deciphering his lyrics.
“Oy, so that bloke’s not bloody well chuffed at me tunes, right?” Chaz apparently questioned. “Is he taking the piss, or just an eejit? I’m known to be a bit of a lairy gobby, but the lad’s havin’ a strop. He must be a proper saddo, or a total prat. Under the cosh from his gaffer, is he? Well, I can’t muck in. I was on the lash with me blud last night, and I’m dead knackered. Gonna go for a slash then run to uncle ned for a smidge.”
Fan Tory Rodriguez commiserated with Boyd.
“I’ve been a huge fan of British rap for a while, but I never have any clue what they’re saying,” Rodriguez admitted. “I started listening to stuff like Roots Manuva and Kano in high school, and now I’m really into Cult of the Damned and Lee Scott. I listen to stuff like that all the time, and it always goes over my head. They could be rapping about what they had for breakfast, or they could be saying problematic stuff and I wouldn’t be able to tell. I know this isn’t the most socially conscious move, but I just ignorantly enjoy the music and hope that they’re not railing against women or immigrants. I guess I understand what leftist fans of black metal go through, now that I think of it.”
At press time, Boyd just decided to censor every third word of the song and hope for the best.