NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Singer-songwriter Stewart Coleman announced today that for his sophomore album, Time Gone Away, he put the title track first, causing an uproar amongst his fanbase who now call him “a total fucking coward.”
“I used to think I knew who Stewart Coleman was… and now I have to ask myself, ‘Who the fuck does he think he is?’” asked longtime fan Regina Simon. “It’s one thing to have a title track — but to trust the rest of the songs on the album so little as to put it first? That makes him look like a scared little diaper baby who needs his binky.”
Indeed, many fans wondered how the album was written, recorded, mastered and given a release date without anyone stopping him from making such a little bitch boy decision.
“Everyone in his band and in the studio is just as responsible for this as he is,” said fellow fan Kenny Oliveira. “If there’s any hope in this world, no one can stand by and allow evil to happen. They have to be held accountable, too.”
For his part, Coleman has thus far defended his controversial decision, claiming it’s his choice as an artist to be a spineless weenie who thinks his fans are stupid.
“I really wanted to start the album off with the right tone. I couldn’t think of a better way to do that than to put ‘Time Gone Away’ first on the album. It just makes sense, you know?” the mewling worm explained. “And I’m hoping this will be the first single from the album — I’m already filming a music video for it.”
Time Gone Away, available from Meddle Records next Thursday, will be on all major streaming services as well as iTunes, with a demonstration in Nashville for irate fans scheduled for Wednesday. Organizers have not ruled out the use of violence to stop the album from seeing the light of day.